As the dust settles after December's ANC conference, Not the M&G brings you these exclusive scoops from between the lines next to the buffet table.
Jacob Zuma's landslide victory at Mangaung was owed to canny politicking behind the scenes, a complex network of patronage and his ability to hit a high C, said the panel of judges that gave Zuma the title of Mangaung Idol.
According to former R&B star Krotch Rott, who led the judging panel, Zuma was the clear favourite. "He's like Frankie Valli on the high notes, plus he's got perfect pitch, which is the ability to pitch his song perfectly for his audience. So he'll do tear-jerking traditional numbers for his rural audiences and then do up-tempo house remixes for the urbanites," he said.
Fellow judge Vibrato Vilakazi dis-agreed, saying that Zuma can get "a little pitchy at times, especially when he sings about cleva blacks, knocking out homosexuals or how caring for dogs is un-African". But, she said, Zuma could "put on one helluva song-and-dance show and ultimately that's what gets you votes in this competition".
The panel confirmed that as the winner, Zuma would be awarded a five-year recording contract with All Bets Are Off Music, a trophy for his cabinet in his not-compound and the PIN code for the treasury.
The newly elected ANC national executive committee has confirmed that nationalisation is off the agenda until it gets put back on the agenda in order to remove it again, depending on what big multinationals tell it to do.
Meanwhile, spokesperson Flipflop Mfeketo said there are no plans to introduce direct representation into South Africa's electoral system. "Some might say it is not very democratic that a handful of cadres decides the fate of 50million citizens," he said. "But those people are racists and need to shut up. Democracy is working and anyone who disagrees is not going to get a tender."
Jacob Zuma's second term in office will see a general crackdown on corruption, the presidency has confirmed.
"We came up with a brilliant solution in Mangaung," said the deputy MEC for rhetorical hyperbole, Hupla Hlope.
"Basically, the plan is that we remove the temptation to steal public funds by investing all revenue in assets that are difficult to steal, like ministerial residences or not-compounds in far-flung rural boltholes."
Sources inside the ANC have denied that Tokyo Sexwale's lower profile in recent weeks is the result of his failed leadership bid at Mangaung. Instead, they said, Sexwale has gone into hiding after being spotted by Japan's whaling fleet.
"They saw his name on the ballot sheet and assumed he was a new species of Tokyo-based sex-whale," a spokesperson said. "Now they want to harvest him for 'research' before bottling him as an Afro-disiac."
Sexwale could not be reached for comment, but neighbours reported hearing haunting whoops, whistles and clicks coming from his garden shed this week.
The Democratic Alliance has announced plans to host its own elective conference "in Helen's Porta-Pool in the rose garden at Leeuwenhof". According to the DA spokesmatriarch, Auntie Dorris Selfe-Rytchis, the conference will be run exactly like the ANC's.
"We'll force a couple of token opponents into the ring as democratic window dressing, but we all know who's going to win and her name rhymes with Smellin' Pillar. Which should not be confused with the Smelling Pillar at Leeuwenhof, which we sniff in remembrance of the night in 1882 when Sir David Graaff got home blind drunk and barfed on it. It's that sensitivity to tradition that has kept the DA on the cutting edge of modern politics."