/ 20 October 2016

A man stuck in a body of a woman

Proudly visible: Transgender man Jabu Pereira believes it is possible to end transphobia.
Proudly visible: Transgender man Jabu Pereira believes it is possible to end transphobia.

There was never a point in my life that I thought of myself as a woman. The process of changing physically is really just a matter of validating what I feel on the inside – how I perceive myself and aligning that with what is here on the outside.

I did a whole lot of research and it got to the point where I thought to myself: “Maybe there’s no help for people like me in South Africa.”

I was working as a waiter when one day I served someone who works at a pharmacy. I started asking questions, posing as a student doing research.

I asked if medical assistance was available for trans men? Were hormones available in the country? Could one just buy it?

After a long discussion, I went through to the pharmacy and found out what some of the side effects were. Some were irreversible – like your voice breaking. And some were reversible, like your menstrual cycle.

So I went to a local doctor in the Vaal to get a prescription. But when I walked in there, I realised that I couldn’t just ask for a prescription because he seemed to be a really religious man. So I posed as a man who wanted a higher level of testosterone – to feel more like a man, you know. And he believed me, so he gave me the prescription.

But when I no longer had work, I had to get off the hormones. It has been very stressful and very, very depressing. My menstrual cycle came back, which has really been hell for me. I don’t have the guts to go into a shop and buy sanitary towels because it just doesn’t feel right. I feel as though people are looking at me thinking, “What are you doing?”

I eventually got a letter of referral to go to Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital, but the endocrinologist told me, “I can’t help you because you need more therapy sessions”.

But the therapists who saw me before said I needed the hormones immediately because I had been self-medicating for too long. I had severe acne because of all the testosterone and they could see I needed immediate care.

I was shattered. It’s been really hard, but I have people who support me. Also, I counsel myself. Nobody said this would be an easy road.

But I will find my way out of this darkness into the light. I’m still not working, so I’m just trying to get enough money to get those hormones again. Money is the only thing standing in my way now. – As told to Carl Collison by a 22-year-old whose name has been withheld to protect his privacy

Carl Collison is the Other Foundation’s Rainbow Fellow at the Mail & Guardian