/ 16 February 2017

So what is the point, Don and JZ?

Columns in the historical city of Palmyra
Columns in the historical city of Palmyra

THE FIFTH COLUMN

We have been supplied by unreliable sources with what appears to be a transcript of the conversation between United States President Donald Trump and South Africa’s President Jacob Zuma. It is fragmentary, but we are able to piece together the following.

Trump: “So, looks like you’re close with my man Vlad Putin, over in Russia?”

Zuma: “Oh, yes, very close. He’s a great guy. We’ll be forever in his debt, once our new nuclear build starts.”

Trump: “Great! I’m in Vlad’s debt, too, but let’s not talk about that. The CIA might be listening! Ha, ha. That was a joke.” [Coughing. Bleepy noises on the line.]

Zuma: “And Vlad always shows you a good time in Russia.”

Trump: “Yeah, I’m just dying to get over there. So I wanna go. Soon but you know, as president, your schedule’s always a mess.”

Zuma: “Oh, yes. I never know where my schedule is, heh heh. But I make sure I’m an hour late for anything, in case of protesters. Two hours during election time.”

Trump: “Good thinking – I must tell my press secretary.”

Zuma: “Yes, do.”

Trump: “What you say I come down there to South Africa, a little state visit, sometime? Get a photo with Nelson Mandela.”

Zuma: “Er … He passed away, Don.”

Trump: “He did? Jeez, like that Fred Douglass guy. These guys keep passing away. Just when you want to, like, get to know them, show you’re not a racist – hey, you find out he’s passed away.”

Zuma: “Yes, unfortunate. But do come to South Africa sometime.”

Trump: “I will. We can talk about Agoa. And on that subject, how many stores down there in South Africa are selling my gorgeous wife’s jewellery? She’s a nine, you know, my wife. Maybe even a 10.”

Zuma: “Heh heh, I don’t know … I’ll have to get David Mahlobo to find out. They’ve probably got some at the airport shops, but you know I never go through there … Did you say she’s your wife number nine? Ten?”

Trump: “Er … no, er, she’s number three.”

Zuma: “Right, but you’ve got nine or 10 wives?”

Trump: “No, no! Just the one. One at a time, you know. That’s the American way.”

Zuma: “Ah. I have four. And an ex-wife. She’ll take over the country when I retire. It’s a family thing.”

Trump: “I understand. I really, truly, do understand.”

Zuma: “You know, the Russians saved my life when I was poisoned by one of my wives. Not the one who’s going to take over the country. One of the other ones.”

Trump: “Ah ha! Funny man. Glad I’ve just got the one!”

Zuma: “Heh heh. I suppose we should talk politics. I have a nine-point plan.”

Trump: “Glad to hear it. We have plans here in the You-Ess, too. Big plans. Yuge plans. I can’t say how many points our plans have, but they have points. Lots of points.”

Zuma: “Good, good … Always have a point, I say.”