Europeans are being faced with hardship unprecedented since the Pan-European Croissant Shortage of the third weekend of June 2006.
"The problems facing Europeans are unlike anything they've ever experienced," said a Red Cross official.
"To have to explain to young families that they're going to have erratic wireless network coverage in their flat, well, it breaks your heart."
Professional skateboarder and hip-hop graffiti artist Heinz-Gunther Luxusprobleme said he was fast reaching breaking point.
"First I broke a nail at Christmas trying to get all the chocolates out of the advent calendar," he said.
"And now the fascist pigs in Berlin want to reduce the monthly grant I get for spraypainting 'Anarchy!' on the safety barrier next to the Autobahn."
One long nightmare
Inge Binge-Borg, a flat-pack model from Sweden, said that her life had become "one long nightmare".
"This morning my foot went to sleep during yoga class," she sobbed. "When will this end?"
French student Ennui le Frommage, who is studying interior design in the hope of one day becoming an accessory in an expensive house, said she had heard her grandparents' stories of bombings and reprisals in World War II, but felt that her own experiences were "probably a bit worse" than theirs.
"This morning the butter was too cold to spread and it ripped my bread," she said. "I was too tired to walk to the bakery to get more bread, because I had been kept awake all night by the recharging light on my Macbook, and then just as I was nodding off, the stupid recycling trucks came."
Fellatia Narcissistia, a shopper from Milan, said that Europe was one soggy crouton away from a return to barbarism.
"Yesterday my car remote died, and I had to use the key. The key! What am I? An animal?"