South Africa’s overcrowded cricket season begins this week with three one-day internationals against Zimbabwe. This hastily arranged series is the result of last month’s enforced early departure from Sri Lanka. It is principally notable for the lack of thought that has gone into the logistics of what is, admittedly, a very short tour.

There is a scene in the sports-agent movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise’s super-rich NFL client notices a Reebok commercial being filmed, and takes the opportunity to bemoan his endorsement poverty. ”I ain’t getting no love from Chevy,” he rages. Strip away the Cuba Gooding Jnr character’s charisma, and you are left with Ashley Cole.

So what exactly did Keano say to his players in the Inaugural Roy Keane Motivation Lecture? His Sunderland team were 1-0 down against Derby County at half-time. Was it something as suggestive as, ”I know a couple of fellas…”? Or as simple as, ”Nice kneecaps”? If we’re going by past form, perhaps he pinned the entire team against the wall with one hand and slapped them with the other.