Is it perhaps time to say “yebo baba” to a bleached sphincter? Yes, you. Is your sphincter too brown? An open-ended question, if ever there was one.
You can now have a sparkling brown eye by having it bleached. Some beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax.
There was a time when I would have reacted like an anal-retentive bumpkin on hearing such utter shit. Since the launch, however, of the Foreskin Restoration Society (I am not kidding), I am not that easily shocked. Moreover, let us not forget Britney Spears’s recent flashing of her peach-pink punani at paparazzi. Nothing surprises me any more. Zilch.
I first heard about this genre of bleaching from a well-to-do friend in London. Evidently, it is all the rage in the upper echelons (or is it the lower echelons?) of high society.
Now, it seems, every “celebutart” (Time‘s word, not mine) wants one. “Opinions are like sphincters,” I read somewhere, “Everyone has one.” Thus, I decided to surf the internet and see for myself, and there it was. In an article headlined The chocolate starfish (yes!) it states: “In the last couple of months, I’ve had a lot of requests [for sphincter bleaching], so I’ve started some experiments,” says Sydney beautician Anna Marsiano from The Bees’ Knees Salon. “Who the hell doesn’t want to have a pretty little pucker?”
If you still do not believe me, visit the website www.bleachbum.com, where you can read more about this fetish. “Anal bleaching,” it says, “is not something you would try without receiving a little advice first.” Gosh, thank you for the warning. “That portion of your body is quite sensitive. Using the wrong product or any product at all, can cause an uncomfortable chemical burn … so you will want to be careful.”
If however, you would like to bleach your anal area for a younger looking appearance — this page is probably a great place for you to visit. You can also seek help from a cosmetic surgeon or dermatologist.
“Some treatments are applied in the office by a medical technician, while others are given as a prescription for you to use in the privacy of your own home. (It would seem you lie on your back, legs in the air, with a mirror.) “Look for a 2% solution of hydroquinone, as it should be mild enough to use on this delicate area. Often, hydroquinone creams are used to minimise spots that occur due to sun exposure, age, and birth control pills.
“For this reason, they are often coupled with sunscreens. If you are looking to bleach your anus you DO NOT want a product with a sunscreen. Look for a night-time formula instead.
“To effectively bleach your anal area, apply the cream twice a day. You should see gradual results quickly [a contradiction, if ever] and continuously. You can discontinue use of the cream when you reach your desired, even skin tone.”
It ends by suggesting that you “can prevent anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom. We suggest using a moist wipe [www.shopinprivate.com/cotmoiswip.html] after every bowel movement.”
In several chatrooms that I visited while researching this outrageous topic, people had a lot to say. One crackpot said: “William S Burroughs himself could not have invented this. I’m going to file this under strange things rich white people do.” Another asked: “Do you think people in Muslim countries worry about crap like this?”
A Christian surmised that a procedure like this could probably work in certain predominantly born-again Christian communities where young girls “save” vaginal intercourse until after marriage, allowing their boyfriends to enter in a roundabout way … through the backdoor instead.
Finally, a cynical participant summed it up: “Pffft! Anal bleaching is soooo five minutes ago. If you hung out with us girls in the good bathrooms you would know that all we are talking about is botoxing our asses. Yeah, all those wrinkly bits.” Quite. Now you know.
PS. Please DO NOT follow this procedure without first consulting your general practitioner.