Going nowhere slowly
Gauteng transport officials have confirmed that massive roadworks across Johannesburg will be suspended for the duration of the World Cup and will recommence once the football tournament is over. However, they would not be drawn on whether they were referring to this year’s World Cup in South Africa. “We can definitely imagine a time when the roadworks are complete,” said a spokesperson. “We’ll all have bionic exoskeletons and live in bio-domes. It’s going to be awesome.”
Aluta continua foreva
As the spat between the ANC and Cosatu drags on, the ruling party has warned that it, and not the trade union federation, is the “vanguard of the revolution”. Asked which revolution it was referring to, given that it has been in power for 16 years and might now be considered a capitalist and reactionary regime, the party urged journalists not to ask questions with “that white tendency”. “The revolution will continue for as long as it remains a license to print money, er, I mean, for as long as it takes to free our people from, er, you know, bad stuff,” said a spokesperson.
Original and best
Just weeks after proclaiming that black Africans have never had a single original idea, Steve Hofmeyr — an alleged singer and former celebrity in parts of Pretoria — has furiously rejected allegations that he is a black African because he also hasn’t had a single original idea. Readers of his blog have pointed out that Hofmeyr’s turgid entries are a collection of hackneyed nationalist and racist ideas in circulation since the 19th century; but Hofmeyr hit back, arguing, “F*k jou, jou f*kken f*k.”
P is for Presidential
President Jacob Zuma has slammed Julius Malema’s behaviour after rediscovering his pack of flashcards that remind him how to be presidential. Zuma had been avoiding Malema, hiding under his desk and throwing pork sausages at Malema to distract him long enough to be darted, but found his cards while groping for a panic button. Zuma has reportedly been going to great lengths to avoid a confrontation with the Youth League leader in recent weeks, often feigning death during high-level meetings or playing a game called “Everyone Who Is President of the Youth League Hide In The Cupboard and Count To 5 000”.
Wherefore art thou Robert?
Julius Malema has been asked by the ANC to stop clogging Luthuli House’s fax machine with love poems for Robert Mugabe. Spokesperson Menthol Zulu said, “Last week we found one in the machine that went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I wish I could take that bastard agent from the BBC and beat him with a lead pipe until his horrible white skin is black and blue, no, wait, not black because black is good, so just blue’. The poem’s metre aside, we just didn’t have the heart to tell him you can’t rhyme ‘blue’ with ‘blue’.”
‘n Boer maak ‘n scene
The AWB has explained why its cracker-in-chief André Visagie threatened political analyst Lebohang Pheko and stormed out of an eNews discussion. “If people fail to address him as ‘Baas’ or ‘Kommandant’ he can like to get cross,” said spokesperson Dirkie Strond. “Also she deliberately provoked him by being a woman and making eye contact with him.” He added that Visagie had been under added strain as he had been frightened and confused by the size and pace of Johannesburg and the lack of horse-drawn transport.
Make headlines, not war
Racists of all races have been brought together in solidarity to express their dissatisfaction with the widely-reported ‘race war’ South Africa has been plunged into since Eugene Terre’blanche’s murder, saying it has not met expectations. “I’d rather be at home watching 7de Laan with a koffietjie and a rusk,” said one AWB member, while Azapo paramilitaries said that when they heard the media’s warning of a race war they turned off the Sundowns-Pirates match to start looking for traditional weapons, “a total waste of average soccer”.