Maskandi artist and M&G undercover diarist Nkosi Luthuli speculates on the end of the world and his excruciating Mangaung hangover.
It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel fine.
Well, as fine as can be with a babalas more excrutiating than listening to a three-day speech by Inkatha Freedom Party (IFP) president Gatsha Buthelezi, who was re-elected to the position for the 624th time this week.
The IFP elective conference was held over the same time as the ANC's conference – apparently a media intern, an online journalist and a piece of steak turned up to report on it.
Still trying to figure out if this 'Mayan' tribe that is predicting the end of the world is a figment of the imagination of the Flatulent Forces of Change tsotsis, who are incapable of even breaking wind for change. Is the internet still counter-revolutionary now that Comrade Thabo Mbeki has been emasculated?
The Flatulent Forces of Change has been going on about how u-JZ's re-election as president has signaled the end of the world, the end of democracy in the ANC, the end of the progressive values of the movement, blah, blah, blah … If only it was the end of their pseudo-intellectual whining.
It is definitely the end of the world as the Flatulent Forces of Change know it. Dropped in on a bunch of them being addressed by some ANC Youth Leaguers just before the voting for the crushing 100-percenter election victory and they were already talking about "transforming the minds of the voting cattle being a victory".
M'chana, why do you want to change our winning mentality? Sit down. Bring your crayons. Take notes. There is space in the inside sleeve of Kgalema Motlanthe – A Political Biography.
Must admit, the 100-percenters have been partying up a storm - as if it was the end of the world. Dropped in on probably the most jiving carwash in the country, Mahungra, after the elections were sorted.
Eish, if I didn't have six wives at home already bleeding me dry, this is where I'd hold my personal reed dance. The honies gyrate their hips like a plate of pap used to on the dirt road to Nxamalala before u-JZ fixed it.
Must have been a 1 000 people there, jiving to grooving house music, cooler-boxes in tow while chomping on chops and steaks around mammoth sports utility vehicles. The place isn't just a bedroom beef carving site though – apparently in bad weather they clean about 80 to 90 cars a day, while shifting over 200 cars a day in good weather.
But the owner, Power Tshabalala, was not a happy man. He'd planned a seryaas series of bashes from December 13 to 22 - to include the ANC national conference - had sorted out the required paperwork and was ready-steady go, when the plug was pulled.
Tshabalala was not very complimentary of that fiery former parliamentary sports committee chairperson Butana Khompela, the provincial minister of police. Apparently Khompela had called for certain "categorisaton" paperwork related to the event to be revoked – which was done - even though application of such licenses falls under the tourism department.
Word among the nubiles is that Khompela likes to hang out at another carwash: the 888 Carwash up the road.
Couldn't confirm that as time has been tight with the Nkandla Brigade constantly practicing to serenade u-JZ with a fresh repertoire when he delivers his closing address as the glorious victor of the ANC Mangaung conference, slayer of leopards and cockroaches and general master of the world – which hopefully won't be ending.
On Tuesday night, I ended up at a victory bash thrown by some of the economic heavies behind Msholozi. The whisky and bubbly flowed as heavily as the bedroom beef tumbling out of a swish kombi parked outside. International business-types and Cabinet ministers toasted JZ and, obviously, the discussions eventually turned to what to do with the former pillow-fighter deputy president.
Some say its going to be a few weeks before he's recalled (Total Recall isn't just a film, it's a post-ANC conference phenomenon, m'chana), others say the Com' should be allowed to complete his term as deputy-president of the country before shoving off to head the political education school that will be built as soon as Comrade billionaire Patrice Motsepe gives us two platinum mines.
Not convinced that Motlanthe should be heading the political school, though. Give him 10 years, and we may just have the sort of cadre that would vote for him.