M&G exposes are leading cause of despair among progressive liberals

Mental healthcare professionals have said the expose about exposes does not surprise them.

Mental healthcare professionals have said the expose about exposes does not surprise them.

In an exclusive exposé, Not the Mail & Guardian can today reveal that Mail & Guardian exposés are the leading cause of anxiety and depression among South Africa’s educated and progressive liberal media consumers.

Investigative larcenists from Not the Mail & Guardian‘s elite amaBooger unit spent weeks undercover in suburban homes, often posing as standing lamps or ottomans, to compile an exhaustive record of readers’ responses.

“The plunge towards despair was incredibly fast,” said head investigator, Reid MN Weap. “Most readers would be in good spirits when they picked up the M&G and perused the front cover, but exposure to the headlines would trigger some initial grumpiness, and by the time they were halfway down Page 2 they were all showing symptoms of scandal fatigue, ennui, despair and resignation.”

He confirmed that few readers managed to get to the end of Page 3, as they tended to throw the newspaper down, mutter “I can’t bladdy believe this fucken shit, it just never ends!”, and go in search of their passport.

Mental healthcare professionals say the exposé about exposés does not surprise them. “The middle class is under massive stress right now,” said Dr Docter ‘Doc’ Doktah. “Every day it finds itself trapped between untouchable megalomaniacs in bulletproof SUVs, on the one hand, and a vocal, uneducated rabble on the other. And that’s just the parking lot at the local kindergarten.”

 

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