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Cavendish Square in Claremont is the greatest mall in the history of the world because Cousin Harry said that Cavendish Square is amazing

Cape Town Carnival. (David Harrison, M&G)

CAPE TOWN
And he spends four months a year in London with Aunt Topsie Mough-Dyve, so he should know.

Plus, they have loads of malls in London, because Cousin Embeth told me so, and she was betrothed to Second Cousin Peregrine, who's in the peerage, dontchaknow, and before he broke it off with her and took up with that Brazilian chap, he took her to some really proper London malls, and she told me that they are not much better than Cavendish Square, which proves it.

JOHANNESBURG
On Saturday night two okes pulled in to this larny new restaurant there by Midrand, which is kak elegant, it checks like Las Vegas or Los Angeles or any one of those kak elegant cities in Mexico. However, they said, they were kak worried to check a chick in there who wasn't wearing high heels. They say they respect lesbians, but ask them not to pull in there by the same places they pull into, and make everyone feel kak.

DURBAN
So this week, right? There was a hectic point break at the Bluff, right? And my mate Gnarles, right? He said it was banging, but then, right? He wiped out, so I was like, Dude, you wiped out, and he was like, Fully! So then we went again, right? And I didn't wipe out, but he did, right?

So ... why was I telling you this? Oh ja, hectic! I remembered now, because like something in my brain went like 'Hey dude! This is what you're trying to remember, bugger!' right? So, what I was saying was, there was this hectic point break at the Bluff, right, and my mate Gnarles, right, he said it was banging. And that's what happened.

PRETORIA
Pretoria is nogsteeds Pretoria. Dankie, Here.

PORT ELIZABETH
There is no reported news from Port Elizabeth. Authorities have asked the public to alert them at once if they see anything resembling carbon-based life happening in Port Elizabeth.

However, they concede that this is "unlikely".

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