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This is your life, and it's ending one Facebook post at a time

Haji Mohamed Dawjee

As Facebook turns 10, Haji Mohamed Dawjee takes a tour of a day in the life of the social media app.

The social media site, Facebook, turns 10 years old this week. (AFP)

Did you know that some person on Facebook has a cat who can't play the piano, but she's found this video of this other cat that can and shared it on her page, and now it's on my news feed and so now I know it exists too? Fascinating.

Or that some thirtysomething is going through an existential crisis and is dealing with it by posting selfie after selfie in between quaint little status updates laden with passive aggression and subliminal messages? Profound.

Or I bet you didn't know that without Facebook, you would never be nagged by an endless number of notifications that you had to play Candy Crush Saga, or Farmville, or sign up for some birthday app, so that you could remember everyone's birthday in the whole wide social media. Helpful.

*Scroll, scroll, scroll.*

*Does quick scan of news feed.*

*Likes randomly.*

*Scrolls back up again.*

Facebook: "What's on your mind?"

*Types something profound here (probably quotes a 14th century monk who fought for women's rights or something like that. Doesn't think too much about said monk. Just that he's making status sound clever. Monk probably not real. Monk probably a figment of someone else's imagination, shared on someone else's feed, in meme form. Did not think to verify – it's on Facebook.*

*Hits "post".*

*Smiles in admiration to self for making wise choice when it comes to status update and not announcing new body mass index number, or current meal. Wonders how many likes, shares and comments it will get.*

*Scrolls, scrolls, scrolls.*

*Skips long status updates about politics and people who tend to be too vocal (Facebook is not the space for this. No one cares).*

*Starts to work self up about aforementioned status updates.*

*Comments. Engages. Gets involved. Lacks attention span or constructive opinion. Gives up.*

*Thinks: "People are idiots."*

*Scrolls back up.*

Facebook: "What's on your mind?"

*Types: "I hate people who feel like they need to have an opinion about everything, who think Facebook is a platform for showing off how clever you are. We know you know a lot of words okay? Geez. Get off my wall, you are so annoying. Besides, what you're saying isn't smart anyway. Get a life (insert a minimum of about nine exclamation marks here)."*

*Hits "post".*

*Considers deleting person who inspired above rant but then remembers it would be weird to re-invite them at later stage. Also considers that deleting them might upset them so much that they hit the "block this person" button, making stalking and inappropriate inquisitiveness about said person's life no longer an option. More than that, there would be no reason to post rubbish on Facebook about someone else's Facebook habits ever again.*

*Sighs.*

*Scrolls.*

*Notices article from the New York Times or similar news publication about something really, really important sounding. Doesn't remember what it is the next day. But definitely knows it was really, really important sounding. Enough, in fact, to share on own wall.*

*Shares on own wall.*

"So incredibly smart and clever," thinks everyone, everywhere, ever, always. Obvs.

*Scrolls.*

*Wonders what ex-partner is up to ... *

*Stalks ex-partner on Facebook page. Relationship is over. Facebook friendship maintained. Gets upset at sight of ex's Facebook wall.*

*Thinks: Ex is baby-sitting another person's cat? What?!*

*Writes lengthy wall post on best friend's wall with messages detailing actions taken by ex on ex's own Facebook wall in past three years since ex has become ex.

*Scrolls up.*

*No Likes. No comments on own status updates. Has existential crisis. Posts selfie.*

*Waits.*

*Scrolls back up.*

Facebook: "What's on your mind?"

*Types: "This is your life and it's ending one Facebook post at a time."*

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