Haji Mohamed Dawjee imagines a letter of thanks from Oscar Pistorius.
First, let me thank you for giving me this opportunity to have my say. And thank you for reading it. I know you will because obviously you read everything about me. It's been just over two weeks now since the trial has started. I have access to a laptop but no internet, porn or phone. If I did have the internet, though, an hour before writing this I would have been surfing it for 309 seconds.
The reason why I am writing so late is because I wanted to give the coverage time to get some momentum going. I don't think it's fair to just choose a select portion of evidence and judge it too harshly *clears throat*, even though it may seem more telling than it really is. *Subtly side-eyes public before quickly switching to humble looking downward gaze*.
My observations about my own trial may not be objective. But in the spirit of this being an analysis of Twitter coverage of proceedings, I don't think they are meant to be.
First off, I have to say that I have nothing but gratitude for every single one of you who was concerned about my health during the first couple of days of the trial. I do not have an anxiety disorder or anything like that. I just had some game stew from one of my family's massive reserves and caught a terrible tummy bug because of it. That's why I was blowing chunks. I apologise for making you worry about me, regardless, I don't think there has ever been more famous vomit in the history of the world. So thank you for that.
*Jots down famous vomit T-shirt idea for future job prospects, remembers how OJ didn't have a viable plan B. Thinks hipsters will dig it.*
All the fringe issues that have come about during the Twitter coverage of this trial are very concerning to me. Let me clarify: all those times you see me in court, looking so forlorn, that's what I am thinking about. A few examples come to mind off the top of my head: firstly, the treatment of journalists during assignments such as this is atrocious. Can someone please provide them with some Ouma rusks or something? I am not in the habit of keeping up with the eating trends of the media, at least, I have never had the opportunity to experience it before – but this … this is terrible. I am too overwhelmed with concern during court hours to gaze at how emaciated they all must be. Come on South Africa. I mean if it weren't for me, how would we ever have known about this massive issue? *Has great idea and offers up left over game stew.*
Another thing that kind of bugs me, and it always strikes me at the most random interjections – is this Barry Roux "I put it to you" thing. Trust me, it's as hilarious to me as the next person. And when I walk into that cold courtroom, nothing warms my heart more than the thought of old Barry. But let's be fair about this. A man can only take so much humiliation. It is what it is, you know? Tweets just have to be a little bit more dynamic in terms of humour without singling out things like this. It's mean and there's no need for it. I have often wondered whether, if you were fed properly, you might stop being so malicious. Come on guys?
And finally, I will lightly touch on the issue of the Whatsapp messages, in the hope of providing some context. At the time of those conversations and exchanges, I had no idea that Snapchat existed. I promise. I have in the interim done some research and it seems as though this app, unlike Whatsapp, lets the sender set a time limit on the message and then it just deletes itself. Now … I am not going to lie, I am uncertain as to whether or not these can be traced but I have faith in the fact that they can't. Had I only know about this before hand, I could have saved journalists from the tedious task of looking at graph after graph of Whatsapp exchanges in court.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter and for your continued support, engagement and interest. I must confess, it's hard to be in that courtroom and not get caught up in some Ally McBeal fantasy. The only thing missing is a dancing baby.