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What a chop! Jacob Zuma shows off his karate moves

Haji Mohamed Dawjee

Rising at the chance to showcase his own martial art skills, the president confirms his attendance at the Karate World Cup. The nation is thrilled.

Zuma will take a time out from the political stresses in his life to observe the art of karate by the world’s best.

Good morning South Africa. Welcome to a brand new day of artful dodging brought to you by none other than your elected President Jacob Zuma. No, this is not a figment of your imagination.

In light of recent developments in the spy tapes debacle, the Nkandla scandal and a multitude of commissions (pick one), the president will attend the 4th Kyokushin Karate World Cup hosted in Durban.

Forget your hard-earned tax money being spent and squandered by the “poster” boys and girls of democracy; forget words such as scandal, investigation and corruption. Admit that instead of anything vaguely substantial, all you really wanted to know was whether the president would show face at the Karate World Cup. Because that would address all the problems in this Zuma-led nation.

The presidency has failed at attempts to address any of the aforementioned debacles – from Zuma handing over the reins of the Nkandla findings and stating that the new police minister decide whether he repay the funds to several other “whodunits” and “it wasn’t me” situations. What better way to placate a country hungry for good governance than to lift his own spirits and attend the event?

In fact, the only thing more useful than this vital piece of news from the presidency would have been a YouTube video with JZ himself taking the public through a step-by-step tutorial on how to master his spectacles-adjusting technique.

Master dodger
Already a black belt in blasé but tired of just rolling with the punches, Zuma will instead use his energy to live out his Mortal Kombat fantasy.

Bored of hearing about how voters have “buyer’s remorse” the president will uppercut his way into the hearts and minds of the people by doing, once again, absolutely nothing.

This will not please a select few. Like the restless and red in the face Economic Freedom Fighters who demand answers in Parliament. But surely the majority of the general public must be pleased? They wish for nothing more than to have a time out from the constant need to be vocal about Zuma’s thick skin and about what many feel is his lack of conscious and constant refrain from decisive action.

Zuma, owner of fire pools (where he finetunes most of his ducking and diving skills) and chicken coops, DJ extraordinaire of the ever-elusive spy tapes and creator of the popular buck-passing game (and still its greatest champion), will take a time out from these stresses in his life to observe the art of karate by the world’s best.

Because let’s be honest, self-defence is serious business and when it comes to the art of cutting, who is better equipped against a nation of questions and interrogations than Zuma? And at least this way, when the desperate handful who still seek answers about his many transgressions need to find him, they will know where to look.

In due time, the president will return to actually ­leading the country. This will hopefully occur before he’s totally KO’d democracy and the Constitution along with it.

It will hopefully occur long before he is done sidestepping pressing issues – because who knows how long he can keep that up?

Do we even want to know? And most importantly of all, will it occur after he has learned the most important Tao of all … that change comes from within.


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