DA racism tests and five other news events that could almost be true

DA members will be fast-tracked if they can correctly spell the name of Bok prop Beast Mtawarira. (Paul Botes, M&G)

DA members will be fast-tracked if they can correctly spell the name of Bok prop Beast Mtawarira. (Paul Botes, M&G)

DA to introduce racism tests for members

Still reeling from racism scandals that hit party members in recent months, the Democratic Alliance has announced it will be introducing racism tests for would-be members.

“We see no other option,” said DA recruitment manager Rayne Bow-Nayshun. “Back in the day, our members would just be racist in private, maybe sharing a few racist words around a braai with a select few racist friends. Now these morons are crawling all over social media, like our lovely black friends on a beach they’re perfectly entitled to visit over New Year.”

Bow-Nayshun said the DA had unsuccessfully petitioned Facebook and Twitter to introduce a compulsory IQ test before members could be granted social media accounts.

“They said it was ‘anti-democratic’, which wasn’t a phrase any of us in the DA were familiar with,” she said.

“The next suggestion, from Helen Zille, was that Helen Zille should get to approve all social media posts before they were published. But then we remembered that all Helen Zille’s own posts sound like they were written by an angry goblin drinking its way through a vat of chardonnay.”

As a result, the opposition party has drafted a test for prospective members to complete. It requires applicants to pick Nelson Mandela out of a photo line-up alongside Oprah Winfrey, Beyoncé and Jaden Smith. They must also distinguish between a photo of Barack Obama and one of Mmusi Maimane, with bonus marks if they confuse the two.

Applicants have to hum the chorus of Mandoza’s Nkalakatha, and correctly spell the name of any black member of the current Springbok squad. Prospective members are also asked to provide evidence that they have at least one black South African Facebook friend.

“No Zimbabweans,” warns Bow-Nayshun. “We all know the ones over here are nicer to whites, so that’s cheating.”

Asked if she thought the test would be sufficient to sift out all racists from the DA, Smith expressed optimism. “Not all whites are racist,” she said. “But we in the DA don’t see colour, anyway. Zebra crossings are a nightmare for most of our members.”

Black Twitter to replace Hawks

They are the most elite crime-fighting unit in the land. But this week, Police Minister Nkosinathi Nhleko made the surprise announcement that the Hawks are to be disbanded – and replaced with Black Twitter.

“We in the police know when we are outclassed,” Nhleko told a press conference in Pretoria. “Just this week, R50?million got stolen from the State Security Agency’s safe. Let’s be honest: it would probably have been safer under Radovan Krej?í?’s pillow.”

With the Hawks seemingly unable to track the source of the theft, Nhleko announced that Black Twitter is to be conscripted with immediate effect to replace the unit.

“Have you seen how fast those guys are?” Nhleko asked journalists. “They had Clive Naidoo’s street address in under an hour. They had Chris Hart’s qualifications under the microscope in 20 minutes. They had Penny Sparrow’s ID number in seconds!”

Nhleko estimated that any of these investigative tasks would have taken regular police officials up to six months, possibly requiring an interministerial commission of inquiry.

A Black Twitter representative who wished to remain anonymous said: “My comrades and I are happy to serve. By the way, the State Security Agency’s missing R50?million is under Radovan Krej?í?’s pillow.”

EFF carb redistribution programme to feed the poor

It’s a diet that has taken South Africa’s middle classes by storm. But now, the Economic Freedom Fighters say they’ve had enough.

“Banting must fall!” EFF spokesperson Radical Moelebatsi told a packed rally in Cape Town this week. “This Tim Noakes is a tool of the white-controlled cauliflower monopoly!”

Noakes’s popular diet advises followers to replace carbohydrates such as bread and pasta with substitutes, including cauliflower.

“Cauliflower pizza! Zucchini noodles! Courgette loaf! What is this shit?” Moelebatsi demanded of the cheering crowd. “Have you tasted cauliflower pizza? It is against God and nature! It is un-African! And furthermore, it fails to approximate in any way the starchy goodness of an actual pizza!”

EFF MPs have been hinting at a conspiracy between Noakes and white cauliflower farmers. Now, the theory is gaining favour in unusual quarters. “The price of cauliflower these days is an absolute disgrace,” said Newlands housewife Whitney Whiteling-McWhite, interviewed at her local grocery store.

“You can literally never find it at Woolies any more either, because those skinny Constantia bitches go in and buy up the entire frikkin’ harvest,” Whiteling-McWhite added.

“Are they stockpiling it for the revolution? I don’t mean the Real Meal Revolution; I mean the revolution where the blacks take our swimming pools.”

At the EFF rally, Moelebatsi announced the launch of a “carb redistribution programme” that will force Banters to apportion their normal carbohydrate intake to the poor.

“Occupy their pantries, their freezers, their bread baskets!” Moelebatsi instructed supporters. “We are coming for their unused pitas, their frozen tortillas, their neglected basmati rice. We are coming for it all!”

Des van Rooyen still not sure what Cogta is

Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs (Cogta) Minister Des van Rooyen has confessed to aides that he still has no idea what his new portfolio entails, but is “surprised and delighted” that he has stayed in the post for more than a month.

The relatively unknown politician made headlines late last year when he was appointed to the finance ministry for just four days before being moved to Cogta.

Sources close to the minister say that Van Rooyen has not been granted a name plaque on his door.

“They just thought: ‘Why go through the expense to engrave a piece of metal on it if he’s only Cogta minister for another four days?’?” said the source. “We have taxpayers to think of, and we already wasted R150 buying him a fancy calculator at CNA when he was made finance minister.”

As a result, Van Rooyen’s office door features an old envelope with his name written in ballpoint, stuck on with a bit of Prestik.

“Every day when the minister arrives and his key still fits in the lock, he sits down, high-fives himself and WhatsApps his wife: ‘Still got it!’,” said the source. “Then we all break out the Johnnie Walker.”

It is rumoured that neither Van Rooyen nor his aides are entirely sure what “Cogta” means.

“The first time the president said it, we offered him a throat lozenge,” said an aide. “Then we googled it, and it seemed to have something to do with initiation. Which we know all about, because we always make the new interns go get us Nando’s for lunch while wearing a silly hat.”

SA students enjoying fresh air before resuming teargas diet

South Africa’s students say their favourite part of the summer holidays has been the opportunity to breathe oxygen rather than teargas.

“I’d forgotten, but this stuff is delicious,” said student leader Mao Ngwenya, taking a big gulp of air. “It doesn’t make your eyes water or anything!”

Since the cessation of the protests that galvanised the country in 2015, students have been enjoying other simple treats. “I haven’t had to act as a human shield in weeks,” mused fellow student Kyle Whyte-Ally.

Political commentators suggest there is substantial pressure on the students to capitalise on the momentum they established last year, culminating in a freeze on fee increases for the 2016 academic year.

“Can I just enjoy this invigorating O2 for, like, one more day before I have to get beaten by police again?” requested Ngwenya. She confirmed that she and several other student leaders had been approached by political parties during the break and offered senior leadership positions.

“We said nah,” Ngwenya said. “I told them I’d rather get a real job some day.”

‘Our Perfect Wedding’ to feature marriage of man and seal

Mzansi Magic has announced that one episode of the next season of its popular reality show Our Perfect Wedding will be dedicated to showcasing the nuptials between a Cape Town man and a seal.

The hourlong episode will tell the story of Terry Dodjay-Freek (54) and his young love Gumbo, a Cape fur seal. In it, Dodjay-Freek admits to having had a wild past before opting to settle down with Gumbo.

“Sure, I played the field,” he said. “Plenty of fish in the sea, if you know what I mean. But nobody gets me like Gumbo. When she claps her flippers, my heart melts. When she crushes shells with her back molars, I know I’ve found the one.”

Animal rights advocates have already expressed outrage, citing the fact that the marriage is illegal and a seal cannot consent to wed a human.

“Tell Gumbo that,” replied Dodjay-Freek. “Our marriage was sealed with a kiss. Or rather, kissed with a seal.”

Mzansi Magic attracted controversy last year for broadcasting a wedding built on statutory rape. This time around, producers expressed bemusement at the concern.

“Not this again,” said Ivan Talotofratings, when contacted for comment. “We think it’s important to show the reality of how beautifully unconventional relationships can develop, despite pressures from family and society. After all, who are we to judge?” he added while leading away his new bride, a golden Labrador called Sadie.

A subsequent episode of the show will feature a Limpopo witch making out with a spaza shop, while the season finale sees a tokoloshe tying the knot with a carton of Ultra Mel.



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