With less than a week to go, peak election madness is upon us. I know this because I logged on to Twitter one morning this week and the first thing I saw was a picture of a man in an ANC T-shirt walking a bulldog wearing a Democratic Alliance T-shirt. That’s actually one of the more sophisticated political statements I’ve witnessed this electoral season. In the spirit of political absurdity currently infecting the country, here follows a round-up of pre-election awards.
Most medieval diss
President Jacob Zuma’s statement that independent candidates contesting the elections are “witches” who would have been “impaled back in the day”. He was kind enough to specify that they should be allowed to live, however, so if you’re an independent candidate, you don’t have to get on your broom just yet.
Most flagrant legacy theft
DA campaign posters asserting that to vote DA is to “Honour Madiba’s Dream”. Did a political strategist come up with this, or a golden Labrador? It took about five minutes for social media to dig up everything nasty Mandela ever said about the DA – and it turns out that everyone’s favourite struggle teddy bear didn’t mince his words on that topic. What next: the Economic Freedom Fighters claiming endorsement from Tony Leon?
Most Brexit-envious party
The Cape Party, which has been begging Capetonians to secede from the Republic of South Africa since 2007. (To be accurate, they prefer to talk of “freeing” the Cape rather than “seceding”.) Its leaders hope the independent Cape Nation would be able to negotiate its own trade agreements, and not just with Orania. One small stumbling block in the path of achieving their dream: when you Google “Cape party”, the first hits provide information about stores stocking fancy dress outfits in the city.
Most shameless employment of dodgy men
The ANC got both Marius Fransman and Ebrahim Rasool on the campaign trail in the Western Cape this week. Fransman is still under investigation for sexual assault, even though he still doesn’t see what’s so wrong with sending a 20 year-old intern WhatsApp messages instructing her to wear something “sensual”. Rasool, meanwhile, was hounded out as Western Cape premier amid allegations that he was paying reporters to write favourably about him. Not this reporter, unfortunately.
Most suitable cellmates
President Jacob Zuma and Oscar Pistorius, according to EFF spokesperson Mbuyiseni Ndlovu. Ndlovu said that Zuma’s failure to uphold the Constitution meant that he should go to prison and “share a cell with Oscar Pistorius because they are both criminals”. We know that both high-profile men share a fondness for women and lavish living, so perhaps they’d get along just fine.
Most predictable use of Godwin’s Law
Godwin’s Law, as you may know, refers to the phenomenon whereby one party in an argument cannot resist employing a comparison to Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. This time around, the title goes to ANC deputy secretary general Jessie Duarte, who told a gathering in Rustenburg that “to us it sounds very much like the people [EFF] who use [the Marikana massacre] story have a Hitler mentality”. In a country with so many apartheid villains, you wouldn’t think we’d have to keep stealing Germany’s for analogies.
Most impressive campaign weight loss
EFF commander-in-chief Julius Malema, who is a shadow of his former self. Malema told eNCA that his secret was exercise and a strict diet, particularly cutting out sugar and alcohol. A total booze break must have been a wrench for the man who told 3rd Degree’s Debora Patta a few years ago that he got fat because Heineken was so “nice”.
Most effective campaign posters
The Patriotic Alliance has papered South Africa’s streets with posters reading: “They say, save the rhino! Wat van die bruin ou???” [What about the brown guy?] The PA has a fine track record in catchy campaign slogans. Before 2014’s general elections, it covered Western Cape towns in posters designed to appeal to coloured voters bearing the words: “Too white in apartheid/ Too black in democracy.”
Most literary leader of a political party
Another one for the PA, which is led by reformed criminal (and Kenny Kunene’s bestie) Gayton Mackenzie, the author of no less than four bestselling self-help books. A personal favourite is 2014’s The Uncomfortable Truth, in which he draws on his experience dating “thousands” of women to tell the ladies how to win a man. Sample line: “When the bedroom door closes, no man has time for crossed legs.” Why yes, that is indeed a bit rapey, but still: How many books have you sold, Mmusi?
Most bold attempt to steal another party’s votes
New Cape Town party the “DI”, or Democratic Independents, whose branding is blue and whose logo features a circle with wavey swirls across it. Remind you of any other party? It’s a move strongly reminiscent of the cunning little game played by the African Independent Congress (AIC) in the last elections. The AIC, listed above the ANC on the ballot paper, used a logo featuring ANC colours and ended up with two seats in Parliament. Best of luck, DI.
Most abstract political claims to fame
The African Christian Democratic Party recently published an advert detailing exactly what it has achieved on the KwaDukuza council since 2011. Has it built houses? Has it ended poverty? Has it stopped crime? Well, no. But it has “improved the moral fibre of KwaDukuza” and “become the conscience of the local council”. Good people of South Africa, please feel free to add these bold claims to your individual CVs forthwith.
Most colourful description of parliamentarians
ANC MPs were recently labelled “mutists” by the Congress of the People, in reference to their silence on the matter of the ongoing shenanigans at the SABC. We’re not convinced “mutists” is a word anyone uses outside of the Cope caucus – isn’t the general term just “mutes”? – but we like it all the same. It takes its place next to Malema’s timeless description of somnolent parliamentarians as “sleepists”. Sleepists and mutists running our country: what a time to be alive.