The residents of five villages are fighting off the mining of the Xolobeni dunes. (Photos: Paul Botes/M&G)
THE FIFTH COLUMN
The internet’s latest troll sensation, the alt-right, seems to be 2002’s emos come down a wormhole, past an iStore, a swastika shop and into the mainstream where they urinate on society – safe in the knowledge no one went to the trouble of adding colour-changing chemicals to the water. The alt-right’s laptop screens don’t reflect acne scars and hook up with fibre, and fibre only.
Many members don’t shower or shave. Some of them bleach their hair.
But wait, I’m dishing out insults. The alt-right feeds on insults like flies feed on gift-wrapped excrement. (I realise that’s an insult all in itself and that the very existence of this column is playing into the alt-right’s hands, but I’m going to power on regardless.) No, insults won’t stop them. But what will?
One way to address the problem – and this appears to be very popular among the absolute left (ab-left) at the moment – it’s to have your presidential candidate read their worst online comments back to them over a microphone during an international TV broadcast.
By all accounts a dumb idea, but probably the best way to go if you’ve run out of options but still have a bunch of microphones.
Another way – and this is very “alt”, so hold on – is to join them in the trenches with words of encouragement. Throw candy to the wolves; Tic-Tacs to the trolls.
In the comments section of a YouTube clip: “Milo, my dear child, mom’s so proud that you’ve risen to the top of your hate group. You’ve stuck to something, son. It’s momentous.”
On 4chan: “That is a great meme my boy. Pepe the frog! Dad gets it. Brilliant.”
On Facebook: “Milo! Love the Mussolini reference. Very nuanced. Aunt Flo.”
The technique is called “helicopter parenting” or “smothering” or “smother them in a helicopter parenting” or something. Sadly, it won’t work either. The kids are riddled with fear. A fear of nothing in particular and everything all at once. A fear we all have to some degree. A fear, I believe, very much at home in a world that started with a big bang that echoes, to this day, with little big bangs on street corners around the globe.
According to conventional wisdom, the best way to react to fear is either to take flight or put up a fight. The alt-right find themselves online where there’s nowhere to go, which really leaves them with the option to fight or “double down” as they call it.
But they’re doubling down the same way a two-year-old doubles down with a high-pitched scream and that’s just a cry for help.
So what do we do? We take their iPads away … no, that’s not it. Here it is: we shoot them till they’re dead. Nope, not it either.
Here we go: we love them to death. Yes, that’s the one. We show the brats, the poor abused souls, there’s more to life than making silly memes with swastikas. That life is actually pretty good. Like going on a game drive. Like sitting through The English Patient. Like watching paint dry in Van Gogh’s studio.