Our gourmet trash is too posh for you

This week, Democratic Alliance councillor Shayne Ramsay caused an outcry when she took to Facebook to air her views on the homeless community of Sea Point. Such individuals were either “criminals, [the] mentally retarded or social outcasts”. Ramsay initially said that homeless people were “treating our bins like buffet tables”, though she later edited this to urge people not to throw away “perfectly edible food” that homeless people would find and eat.

“If [homeless people] choose to live in a society like Sea Point, then they have to behave in a manner which is acceptable to the other residents,” Ramsay wrote, announcing her attention to change the bylaws of the suburb to make life more difficult for vagrants.

The councillor concluded by proposing a “March Against Grime” in which upstanding Sea Point citizens would wear white T-shirts and ask the homeless to “kindly move along”.

With the aid of some hacker friends, I had a sneak peek at Ramsay’s email inbox to see the kind of correspondence the councillor had been receiving to provoke her extraordinary post.

Dear Shayne

As I was leaving my flat in Sea Point this morning, I came across a mental retard treating my rubbish bin like a buffet table. He was queuing with a long line of other retards, holding a tray. When I asked him what he was thinking, he told me I was getting a one-star review on Zomato because of the wait. Have you ever! Please address this matter urgently as my garbage is only of the finest quality.

Regards, Beryl

Dear Shayne

I have had enough of social outcasts cluttering up our beautiful promenade. One sees such social outcasts all the time now. Goth teenagers with facial piercings. Fatties who get picked last at rounders. People who play Dungeons & Dragons. Black youths who listen to Bon Jovi. Jews for Jesus. Muslims for Trump. There they all are, strolling brazenly along and enjoying the crisp ocean breeze like they own the place. It never used to be like this. In my day, only the cool kids would dare undertake such conspicuous perambulation. The fashion police needs to be far more visible and active. It is your duty to investigate.

Best, Jason

Dear Shayne

Drinks next week? Your turn to pick the wine 🙂

Kisses, Dianne

Dear Shayne

As one of your constituents, I would like to float the idea of a March Against Grime. Dizzee Rascal is a total poser and I find the overly sexual lyrics of other grime artists to be most upsetting. Give me the life-affirming melodies of Bon Jovi any day!

Cheers, Themba

Dear Shayne

I have noticed that many of my neighbours are throwing away perfectly edible food, which proves a magnet for salmon-loving criminals. I would urge Sea Point residents to follow my lead and try the following when they realise that they have simply bought too much food to fit in their overflowing larders. Neatly stack the relevant food items into a small pile. Urinate copiously on it. Thereafter, douse the food stack in paraffin and set it alight. When it has burned away, check the ashes for remnants. Any bones can be easily run through an electric meat grinder. When all that remains is a fine, silky powder, take it to the ocean’s edge and hurl it as far as you can. Soon you’ll be having the last laugh and not those greedy bin raiders!

Stay well, Kobus

Dear Shayne

I would like to commend the DA on their excellent continued governance of Sea Point. Just the other day there were over 30 humpback whales frolicking happily off Three Anchor Bay! If this suburb was run by the ANC they’d have had harpoons aimed at them before you could say “Free Willy”. Just look what they’ve done to those poor rhinos.

Keep up the good work, Vash

Dear Shayne

I would like to bring to your attention the problem of unemployment in Sea Point. One sees evidence of this terrible social scourge wherever one looks. No matter the time of the morning, you can find people lingering over flat whites at coffee shops. Some seem to have taken to exercising compulsively in a bid to beat boredom, carrying yoga mats into health food shops at times when their more fortunate peers are working away. Paragliding and other dangerous activity is rife, pointing to suicidal ideation. What can be done to get these poor souls out of burger joints and into offices? I offered one an honest day’s work plumbing my toilet but received a thoroughly ungrateful response.

Please revert soonest, Haji

Dear Shayne

I read about you in media reports all the way over here in the States and I like what I see. When I heard what you said about the South African Constitution being too liberal to deal with vagrants properly, I thought: this lady has a yuuuge, yuuuge career in politics. I could use a broad like you on my wall-planning team. Call me. You’re the kind of migrant my country needs.

Yours, Donald