"They're in the post on the way to your parents," explained a spokesperson. "And, frankly, you're all a huge disappointment. Don't look away when I'm talking to you."
Following the release in December of the DA's annual Cabinet Report Card, the decision has been taken by the party to write report cards for all 51.8-million people in South Africa.
"It's not just the ANC who are a letdown," said DA spokesperson Headboy Tshabalala. "Mostly, it's you. Yes, you. Take your hands out of your pockets, please. Is that gum you're chewing?"
The news of the impending report cards has been greeted by ordinary South Africans with trepidation.
"It's not like I've broken any major laws," said father-of-two Joe Mundayne (36). "I'm not, like, Jacob Zuma. Okay, so I don't pay my TV licence, and I'm sloppy about recycling, and I watch a lot of illegally downloaded movies … I'm getting an E, aren't I?"
Puleng Struggle-Royalty (28), expressed similar concern. "It's not as if I've taken money, which could have bought food for orphans and used it to build myself a blingin' palace," she said. "But I do text behind the wheel and I've only bought two Big Issues the whole year."
The DA said that, in general, the reports revealed a great deal of room for improvement.
"It's just not good enough," said Tshabalala. "There are countries crying out for the opportunities you have. And yet you still won't stop driving in the bus lane and being cheeky to Helen Zille on Twitter."
Tshabalala has explained that anyone who receives a grade lower than C is required to present themselves at Zille's office for detention.
"Litter collection and writing out lines from the Constitution for the lot of you," he said. "And until someone owns up to having written 'FREE MR ZILLE' on the gate of Leeuwenhof, nobody's going on holiday."