Ah, online commenters. Can’t live with them, can’t moderate them fast enough without one of them calling you a DA sympathiser. But what would life be like without the Mail & Guardian‘s vibrant commenting community? Dead boring, that’s what. So, in an attempt to keep our more, um, enthusiastic commenters from self-destructing, we’ve taken the liberty of hiring an agony aunt to help them through their issues. And the best bit? They don’t have to write in about their problems — it’s all right there in their comments.
First up in the series is the DA-hating, exclamation mark-loving True Patriot. Meet Auntie Anele.
Dear True Patriot
After just a few days of studying the M&G‘s comment queue, I noticed your overuse of the exclamation mark.
I know that you may not see this as a problem just yet. However, as a long-time student of the online comment, I have observed the misuse and abuse of even the innocent comma. I hope to help you before your exclamation obsession becomes a more serious problem. Please note that my services are sponsored by the DA, therefore I will be pushing the DA agenda.*
The day will come when your keyboard’s “1/!” key will wear off from your repeated, emphatic striking. When this happens, be sure to let me know IMMEDIATELY so I can talk you through the process of dealing with the loss. You may feel betrayed at first, then angry, and finally you will have to deal with the sadness that follows. This is not the end of the road. It is just the process one must endure when losing a close ally.
If you believe your keyboard is still capable of being saved, then I suggest you follow the ABCs of the Staying Away from that Key (SAK) process.
A: Abstinence
Don’t use the key. Replace it with the widely accepted full stop. And, as bizarre as it sounds, lean towards the use of question marks at the end of questions. As soon as you feel your finger moving towards the “shift” button, smack it away with your other hand and grab a fruit or a bottle of water. Remember, replacing the bad habit with a good one has helped many a smoker and gambler.
B: Bold
Embolden words in your comments. I would stress that this option be used in moderation for you, as this could easily become another way of expressing your anger at the wrong people. However, if you believe you can embolden certain words to get your point across without making it tiresome on the eyes — or loud in the head — then go ahead. It will be a great relief from your penchant for an exclamation mark or three at the end of every sentence!!! Ahem.
C: Calm down
Get a cup of tea and breathe deeply. If you think you’ve passed the “furious” threshold, step away from your computer and take a walk outside before the urge to exclaim takes over. The fresh air will help calm you down. Try to remember that the point of the glorious online comment, long may it assault our moderators, is to engage in a conversation and discussion — not a shouting match.
Lastly, True Patriot, if you’ll excuse the familiarity, have you ever thought about taking some time to deal with the real issue that’s fuelling your anger? If you would like to chat about it, go ahead and leave me a comment. It’ll be a great practice run in good commenting etiquette.
And in time, even you will heed your favourite phrase and “Get used to that!”
Yours in healthy commenting,
Agony Auntie Anele
*DA: Disturbed Anonymous
The next commenter on Auntie Anele’s list is none other than the infamous White Trash. Watch this space.