Alert: Today's female Fifa World Cup soccer fan

Haji Mohamed Dawjee

Another World Cup, another whirlwind of sexist soccer remarks. But it's the 21st century and female footie fans really do exist.

Since the start of the World Cup, social media networks have been flooded by warnings that many women will find themselves suffering from loneliness and abandonment because of the match-watching men. (AFP)

This just in: a couple of days into the soccer World Cup and word on the street is that scores of men are reportedly dumbstruck by the idea of women watching, enjoying and understanding the ins and outs of soccer matches.

Many men have complained that the news comes at the most inopportune moment: the 2014 World Cup has just kicked off and before they have had time to assert their masculinity, they find themselves threatened by the idea of sharing TV sets with a sex other than their own. “What?! Women are not just going to perform sexual favours, keep the fridge stocked and prance around scantily clad in pseudo sport kits like the TV adverts promise us this year?”

Over and above the initial shock of the existence of the female soccer fan, many men also have to deal with the ghastly notion of being wrong about their sexist remarks. Since the start of the World Cup, social media networks have been flooded by warnings that a lot of women will find themselves suffering from loneliness and abandonment because of their match-watching male partners. “Women, prepare to lose your men this World Cup season”, or “It’s the soccer, don’t be jealous, just be a good girl and keep the nachos coming.” Specialists say that these men are in for a big surprise and will find it difficult to deal with the rules of play in the 21st century when women continue to challenge the roles of sexes in society.

The revelation of many women being soccer fans has left men confused. It has been said that these men can be found weeping in corners and circulating memos about how to deal with this phenomena. 

The memos suggest tactics on how to prevent the trend from perpetuating as it’s all very new and can be stopped if caught early. Some suggestions in the memo involve subjecting female fans to long sessions of questioning, such as asking them to explain the offside rule, which men hope might deter them from ever wanting to watch soccer again. To the dismay of the sexist’s line of questioning, however, it has been found that women don’t entertain this gesture. They know full well that fellow male friends and fans are not subjected to this B-grade line of questioning. 

In an effort to switch up strategies, the memo also advises that men approach women in sports bars, pubs, Mike’s Kitchen and the likes to ask where their boyfriends are. Because being in the role of supportive girlfriend is the only reason a woman would ever want to watch a soccer match in a public vicinity. Alternatively, she really wants to be someone’s supportive girlfriend, and where better to meet her significant other than a pub filled with testosterone and sexist jokes? 

But on the subject of sexist jokes, reports warn that the biggest disappointment to misogynists out there is their failure to inspire typical 1950s housewife-style coy and uncomfortable laughter from women when throwing around comments such as: “He kicks like a girl,” or “My mum/grandma could have scored that goal”.

Several failed attempts to pass off comments like these as jokes have taught these men perhaps their biggest lesson yet: feminism isn’t weak, women don’t feel insulted by it and are not afraid to speak out against discrimination.

Failing all of the above, some of these males have resorted to the last pointer on the memo: the “I’m trying to be awesome by complimenting you but actually I’m not smart enough to really know how that works without coming across as a sexist” strategy. Observers say this is when men tell women how impressed they are at how much they know about sport, for a girl. 

But analysts confirm that anyone who has ever read the well-versed book Sport is for Everyone and Anyone Who is Vaguely Interested knows that knowledge of soccer or any sport for that matter is not qualified by sex, which means the female soccer fan is here to stay. 

Side note: 22nd century projections state that sometime in the next 100 years, human beings might evolve and soccer fans will be just that without needing to be classified as male or female.

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