Arthur Goldstuck
Real-life snippets from the small-town press
The best of `94
JANUARY
* MICHAEL ABRAHAMS, charged with theft of TV sets, tells a Durban regional magistrate he was forced into a life of crime by his wife’s constant nagging. The magistrate tells him to stop blaming his wife, and gives him two years.
* EDENVALE security guard Jan Pretorius has his nose bitten off by a pitbull after responding to an alarm signal and peering through the gate. He does not want the dog put down: “The dog was just doing his job and so was I.”
FEBRUARY
* LINDEN police reservists receive a report of a vehicle theft in progress, and apprehend two suspects. They discovered that the car had already been registered as stolen — the thieves had stolen a stolen car.
MARCH
* AN irate motorist receives a speeding fine from Alberton traffic cops concealed behind a huge thorn tree, and returns later with a chainsaw and chops it down. Traffic police insist the tree merely provided shade.
APRIL
* DAVEYTON council celebrates news of its bankruptcy by promoting 120 employees and giving huge increases. The move is initiated by a clerk who promotes himself to a top post. A councillor who objects has his salary reduced.
MAY
* SOUTH AFRICA has a new buckdung spitting champion: Nylstroom’s Stoffel Niewoudt, who spits a piece of buckdung over a distance of 13,39m during the Waterberg Tourism Festival at Nylstroom.
JUNE
* THE Silkaatsnek Nudist Resort near Hartbeespoort, intended for “more conservative nudists”, closes down because of a drop-off in business during the cold winter months.
JULY
* PROSTITUTES in Kwekwe, Zimbabwe, call an annual general meeting and decide to increase their service fee by 100 percent — from $10 to $20. 40 percent of what they earn goes to their secretary general for training expenses.
* THE Bureau of Muslim Family Care thanks the public for its contributions towards creating an orphanage in Cape Town. “Unfortunately,” they announce, “no orphans could be located.”
AUGUST
* THE deputy mayor of Brakpan, Hennie Boyens, threatens legal action after a protest meeting which included a placard reading: “Sack these idiots”. Said Boyens: “I consider it defamatory.”
* BRIGADIER Frans Malherbe, Sandton’s District Commissioner for the South African Police, locks himself out of his office. A notorious housebreaker, “Shorty”, who is in custody at the time, helps Malherbe get back in.
SEPTEMBER
* ROB SAMUEL, of Pretoria, predicts thousands of reborn Christians will disappear in a cloud on September 15 and 16 . He warns that previous failed predictions of similar events will be used to challenge the conviction of his supporters.
* POLICE pull a car off the road near Pietersburg, find a man and a woman under a blanket on the back seat, and order the couple out. Both are stark naked, as is the driver. The three are given a lecture on road safety.
OCTOBER
* JOSEPH CHATAMBUDZA (74) is found dead on a farm in Mozambique, surrounded by the remains of 13 dead hens, a cockerel and an empty bottle that had contained a powerful aphrodisiac called mudanhatsindi.
NOVEMBER
* FRELIMO claims that registration officials in northern provinces are taking unfair advantage of women who arrive for voter registration by persuading them they have to pose naked for the head-and-shoulders identity photos.