Dear Walter,=20
I AM in trouble. It came on Monday morning in the=20 form of a letter from Oslo. The envelope was=20 immediately recognisable, featuring heavily- embossed scenes of people being blown to pieces.=20 The Nobel people have a sense of history.=20
Inside was a note from senior management at their=20 gunpowder factory, advising that it had been=20 brought to their attention that I had been seen=20 engaged in a street brawl with a fellow Nobel Peace=20 Prize winner and, as this was deleterious to their=20 corporate image, they were considering the=20 withdrawal of the said prize as well as various=20 hire-purchase facilities extended to me in the name=20 of humanity. They have given me seven days to=20 submit an explanation, otherwise they threaten to=20 denounce me publicly as a war monger.=20
This mess has its origins on Friday night when I=20 found myself at a get-together of businessmen to=20 discuss law and order; a subject on which our=20 captains of industry and corporals of commerce have=20 strong views. Speakers took the rostrum to express=20 their indignation about the difficulty of=20 conducting good businesses in the present climate=20 of lawlessness. Several complained bitterly about=20 how unsafe it was to remit certain monies to=20 numbered bank accounts in Switzerland when the post=20 office had become the latter day equivalent of=20 Fagin’s kitchen. Several more referred to the=20 impossibility of being an inside trader when there=20 were so many insiders that the outsiders were=20 becoming the trading elite. A little man whom=20 everyone referred to in hushed tones as “the Boss”=20 made a passionate speech about the importance of=20 price-fixing to a free-market economy and denounced=20 the thieving swine who picked up shiny pebbles in=20 their backyards and tried to pass themselves off as=20 the rightful owners.=20
They then formed a multi-pronged initiative termed=20 the Concerned Businessman’s Masterplan to Combat=20 Crime. It involved, among other things, the=20 appointment of a representative as special advisor=20 to all cabinet committees dealing with crime and=20 security and possible hikes in the interest rates=20 and the establishment of a “Citizens Against Crime=20 Fund” with limited liability and golden parachutes=20 for trustees who would be guaranteed anonymity in=20 the event of their fingers being inadvertently=20 trapped in the drawer of a malfunctioning till.=20 Most innovative of all, however, was a proposal to=20 set up a private television channel to be beamed to=20 all police stations carrying training and=20 motivation programmes as well as up-to-the-minute=20 bribes for the withdrawal of speeding tickets and=20 the withholding of information from spouses about=20 membership lists at certain rest homes in the=20 northern suburbs.=20
The master-plan was greeted with much enthusiasm=20 which reached fever pitch when a team of chorus=20 girls singing “Hang ’em High” rolled in on a=20 motorised float in the shape of a gibbet artfully=20 constructed out of whiskey bottles. I was then=20 prevailed upon to speak, which was when disaster=20
Attempting to associate myself with the air of=20 jollity marking the proceedings, I launched into a=20 tale of what the bishop said to the chorus girl on=20 the occassion of Van Der Merwe’s pencil test when I=20 suddenly became aware of a stunned hush. It was=20 only afterwards that I realised what I had done;=20 unaware that FW de Klerk was skulking on the=20 fringes of the assembly in the hopes of being=20 mistaken for a national leader, I had mentioned the=20 word “apartheid”. This had the same effect on my=20 deputy’s sensitive nature as the mention of “the=20 war” does at meetings of the Goethe Institute.=20
I was made aware of my faux pas by the sight of Pik=20 Botha pushing his way to the front of the crowd. He=20 solemnly informed me that his master demanded=20 satisfaction with the weapons traditional to former=20 National Party Heads of State. The next thing I=20 knew I was outside in the street, engaged in a=20 life-or-death finger fight. I had just managed to=20 beat down his guard and was about to deliver the=20 coup de grace in the form of a good poke in the=20 eye, when a flashbulb went off. And there I was: A=20 man of peace trapped in an act of violence on front=20 pages around the world.=20
Do you have a telephone number for Mr Johnnie=20
Yours, Nelson=20
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