Peter Marais seems incapable of avoiding making waves in the visdorpie. Not content with undermining the Mother City’s attempt to make the place the pink capital of Africa with his Uncle Bob-like gaybashing and unable to convince his council to cough up the billions required for the housing project ”Noweto” (Nowetohek, as the manne had dubbed it), he has decided to rile the dorp’s large Muslim population.
Speaking in His People Church at the weekend, the provincial premier told his audience: ”If Christianity doesn’t become a way of life, we’re lost. It’s a way of life, every hour, every day.”
And contrary to what the Democratic Alliance has been telling us, Marais is willing — in his modest way — to take credit for the plan to provide citizens with free water. He assured the congregation that the Lord had told him in a dream to provide the free water or else the visdorpie would face a drought.
King Sono
Oom Krisjan was a little startled to hear the Springboks’ World Cup-winning flyhalf Joel Stransky refer to the Golden Lions boss as Jomo Sono on television recently. The manne doubt the Lions’ King was amused — but maybe Stransky knows something the rest of us don’t. After all, if Sono can get Bafana to play well in Korea the Cats could do worse than to invite him (and his muti men) to take over at Ellis Park.
Bulls and bangs
Reading the financial press can be as exciting as watching paint dry, but occasionally the birds and the bees get involved with the bulls and the bears. Business Report let the cat out the bag (and probably the wind out the finance minister’s sails) with its headline on May 14: ”No Big Bang: Manuel and Ramos’ plans for the year”.
Knickers nicked
Lemmer has heard of various rather odd burglars who steal women’s underwear (and the sad, sad okes who sniff said garments), but it appears Britain has a plague of them. The provocatively named celebrity fashion house Agent Provocateur reported this week that thieves had broken into its company headquarters in London and stolen nearly R500 000 worth of luxury lingerie.
Kill the messenger
One may forgive the Minister in the Office of the Presidency — in charge of things like the presidential press corps (PPS) and Government Communications and Information System (GCIS) — Essop Pahad for silly slips of the tongue. After all, he has a lot on his mind what with South Africa’s spies having to drop their questions about hacks’ sex lives, but still insisting on personal interviews and full financial disclosures.
So during his GCIS budget speech it was out of pure exhaustion over how best to get government’s message across, Oom Krisjan believes, that the minister kept referring to the PPS as the press corpse …
Witblits-krieg
South Africa’s liquor industry has been fighting a losing battle against all those uptight Europeans over what we can call types of grog. Instead of fighting for the right to produce ”ouzo” or ”grappa”, it is time to fight firewater with firewater.
In this spirit, Oom Krisjan believes Minister of Trade and Industry Alec Erwin must make his way to the Willem Prinsloo Agricultural Museum buitekant Pretoria on June 1 for the National Mampoer and Witblits Championships.
All the country’s licensed distillers (boerestokers) will compete for trophies and certificates in 22 categories — and the minister can choose the best to spearhead an export drive. The museum itself has a licence and Lemmer sees no reason why in the future the name Willem Prinsloo should not be as welcome in the best watering holes as Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the manne forgot to license the still behind the Dorsbult, so Oom Krisjan se Skokiaan will not be among the contenders for a medal — but we regulars will definitely be going to the championships to proe the opposition’s wares and maybe buy a couple of bottles …
Flight plan
Airlines have been taking the matter of deep-vein thrombosis to heart. They are doing serious research into the effects of people being cooped up in tiny spaces for hours on end after a couple of economy-class passengers popped their clogs at Heathrow. But Lemmer is a little suspicious of what their findings will show them. A long-haul passenger collapsed into the Dorsbult for some refreshment last week after spending more than an hour having blood taken at Johannesburg International airport following a flight from England. The same amount of time had been used up at Heathrow as well, she complained, showing anyone who cared the enormous bruises on her forearms. Unfortunately for those hoping for answers on ”economy-class syndrome”, she was flying business class.
If the plank fits …
Lemmer has had much fun with the bizarre dates appearing on various South African media websites recently — but it appears the gremlin has now moved on to the Mail & Guardian‘s online sussie. Instead of bringing you tomorrow’s news today, however, it appears we’ve been bringing loyal readers eergister se nuus vandag — May 17’s news was datelined April 4. Ah, April is the cruellest month …
The short end
Considering that our president does not measure up (in centi-metres) to other African leaders, Oom Krisjan wonders whether the link-up between the African National Congress and the New National Party should be termed the kortbroek and short-ass show.
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