Patrick Kluivert’s move to Newcastle has created a good deal of excited talk, and not just among those with shares in Tyneside nightclubs. Some critics have wondered if the Dutchman is an over-egged pudding. Many more doubting voices might be raised were the brains behind the move not those of Newcastle’s incisive chairperson Freddy Shepherd.
The grandee of St James’ Park first came to public attention as a cartoon character in the popular hippy comic-strip, The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers. In those days, more zonked-out readers may recall, Fat Freddy was generally accompanied by his cat, a rascally, cross-eyed beast with the mischievous habit of defecating in people’s hats and shoes.
These days the cat is no more — though with Douglas Hall still around the likelihood of anarchic mayhem remains — and Freddy has matured, channelling his rebellion into business deals.
It is said that Shepherd bought Kluivert counter to Sir Bobby Robson’s wishes. The Newcastle manager wanted a right-back. It is fantastic that the game still has room for a lovely old idealist like Sir Bobby, but pragmatism was bound to win out in the end. This is the 21st century. There is limited merchandising revenue to be had from right-backs.
True to his subtle nature, Shepherd has not invested in Kluivert on a whim. His decision to secure the services of the dancing Dutchman is based on word filtering out of Zurich.
It appears that in response to the glum faces that greeted Greece’s victory in Portugal, the world game’s governing body, Fifa, is at last going to act to save football. Before the start of next season it will have completely overhauled the rules, so that vain and work-shy superstars can make a more decisive contribution to the outcome of matches.
‘We have to face facts,†Fifa’s highly regarded technical adviser Gérard Houllier told me over a crème de menthe frappé and some sugared almonds. ‘Under the laws as they now stand a preening fop simply cannot change the course of a match just by standing in the centre-circle with his hands on his hips for 90 minutes and occasionally tossing his mane of lustrous hair.
‘The game has been totally taken over by hard-working, disciplined professionals who not only listen to instructions but follow them, too. I ask you, what kind of role models are these for the kids?â€
The Frenchman’s final words will chill the blood of any parent. Is it possible that under the pernicious influence of football’s new world order our children will abandon posturing self-regard in favour of diligently making a contribution to a well-ordered society that is greater than the sum of its parts?
Luckily, Fifa is not prepared to let it happen.
‘I want to see a day when the prima donnas, the narcissists and the loungers once again stand with their eyes closed, their arms outstretched, a look of mock ecstasy on their handsome faces and the corner flag sticking out from between their legs like a giant you-know-what,†Houllier’s colleague, the redoubtable Andy Roxburgh, told me from his sun lounger.
The man tasked with drafting the new laws, Fifa’s director of globalisation Diablo Poltroon, was equally passionate when delivering his verdict between mouthfuls of rose-flavoured Turkish delight.
‘There are so many fantastically pompous and idle stars in football today,†he told me.
‘But unfortunately the game is not arranged so that we can see them really shine. At present there is far too much emphasis on running, tackling and passing to your teammates, and far too little on shaking your head in bemusement and sitting on the ground with your palms raised towards the referee.
‘And from a personal perspective, I have to say that the ability to blast a series of free-kicks from a variety of angles straight into the defensive wall is a technique that is seriously undervalued by the current laws.
‘The sportswear companies say these players are brilliant, the soft-drinks makers say they are brilliant, the TV companies who have paid millions for the coverage say they are brilliant. These are people who really know what they are talking about. Because, let’s face it, you don’t get to be a multibillion-dollar global brand by conning the general public into paying over the odds for shoddy goods.
‘Logic dictates that it cannot possibly be the stars themselves who are at fault, so it must be football itself. We simply cannot allow these wonderfully complacent layabouts to spend entire matches staring at the turf as if searching for a lost contact lens, or glowering at their teammates and pointing without some kind of tangible reward for their efforts,†he told me.
‘If we do that then at some point the public is going to jump to the erroneous conclusion that they are a useless over-hyped load of rubbish.
‘And believe me, if that happens the game will be the loser, especially in terms of advertising money.†—