The colour of money
The Black Management Forum says that calls for lifestyle audits are racist as they imply that blacks cannot be rich without being corrupt. “There is a big difference between permanently attached to a kleptocrat’s tit, like we are, and actually being corrupt,” explained spokesman Filthylucre Mthembu. Asked why the BMF was turning a question of government ethics into a race conspiracy given that there had been no calls for blacks-only audits, Mthembu said that they “had to pay the rent somehow”.
The price of freedom
Cosatu is outraged that an original copy of the Freedom Charter will be auctioned in London but auction house Bonhams has defended the sale, pointing out that the principles of the Freedom Charter were sold years ago. “If we’re lucky we’ll get about 30 pence for it,” explained a spokesman. “Thanks to 16 years of Aids denial, arms deals, tenderpreneurs, blue light convoys and songs about genocide it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on.”
Nothing to see here
The ANC in Gauteng says it is more united than ever and reports of dissent in the province are the fantasies of Satanists. Asked why Premier Nomvula Mokonyane had been booed on Human Rights Day, spokesman Whitewash Mabuse said, “Mffml gnnn mff.” Asked why he had a festive red bondage gag-ball in his mouth, he said, “Gnn hmm mmeh.” In a separate handwritten note he asked journalists to ignore muffled cries for help coming from the basement and ‘SOS’ being beaten in Morse Code on water pipes, explaining that it was “big rats”.
Only following orders
Football body FIFA says that its gagging of airline Kulula should serve as a warning to other enemies of FIFA’s “thousand year football Reich”. “Today Kulula, tomorrow the world!” screamed a spokesman at a torchlight rally last night where it was decided that all advertising copywriters would be rounded up and sent east. This morning FIFA confirmed that it had relocated Kulula’s copywriters to Siberia and reminded citizens to take down all flags, emblems, badges and graphics that showed allegiance to “the country formerly known as South Africa”.
Point, click, wallop
Zimbabwean police who seized photographs from an exhibition depicting Zanu-PF brutality and arrested the organizer of the show say they are “appalled and gutted” to learn that there were things called “negatives” and “digital copies”. “We had no idea these racist soul-capturing devices could produce duplicates at will,” said police spokesman Himmler Olonga. “Now we will have to smash up the whole place and burn it to the ground just in case.”
New Improved History!
As South Africans remembered the 1960 Sharpeville massacre that claimed 69 lives and galvanized the liberation movement into greater action, the government confirmed that it would not be galvanized into greater action by the daily massacre of 50 South Africans by criminals. “It’s different,” said a spokesman. “Murderers aren’t racists.” At a moving ceremony at a BMW dealership the ANC released the official history of the 1960 massacre, recalling how Jacob Zuma, aged 18, and Julius Malema, still just a fetus and armed only with a pointy stick, took on four battalions of boers and won.
Cut and paste
Meanwhile official ANC historian Stalin Mxenge has rejected allegations that the ANC had hijacked the struggle legacy and achievements of the Pan Africanist Congress and its iconic leader Robert Sobukwe. ” Sobukwe never existed,” explained Mxenge. “He was a cardboard cutout created by the boers to confuse and divide the Comrades.” He said that he would love to stay and chat but had to get back to his darkroom where he was erasing the faces of PAC leaders from thousands of archival photographs.
They’re so hot right now
ANC Youth League leader and hate speaker Julius Malema visited hip hop wannabe and kid killer Jub Jub in prison on Monday to discuss launching a reality TV show based on Paris Hilton’s The Simple Life. Their show will be called The Simple Men. Malema is reportedly looking forward to working on a Free State dairy farm where he will have to milk cows. “I’m used to milking tenders and making large herds of sheep obey my every whim, so how hard could it be?” he said.