Football is crap
The creators of the World Cup opening ceremony have angrily denied accusations that they plagiarised the entire show from a Standard Grade Remedial Folk-dancing project at a Limpopo reformatory. However, this morning they conceded that having a giant dung-beetle roll a football — thereby implying that football is crap — “might have sent the wrong message”. Meanwhile, local and international media have described the 40-minute spectacle as vibrant, scintillating, ground-breaking, inspiring, and 25 other adjectives on Fifa’s official list of words to be used by journalists who wish to keep their media accreditation.
Blowing our own trumpet
The South African government has come out strongly in defence of the controversial vuvuzela, describing it as an ancient African tradition invented in Mexico in 1973. “The vuvuzela is as proudly African as R Kelly, BMWs, Breitling watches and thousands of other inventions from the Motherland,” said an outraged spokesman this morning. The raucous plastic trumpets have been accused of destroying World Cup spirit by preventing fans from singing uplifting traditional songs such as Ronaldo Is A Wanker, Henri Is A Wanker, Messi Is A Wanker, and the evergreen German favourite, Rooney Ist Eine Wenker.
The usual suspects
Police boss Bheki Cele says he has smashed an international bag-snatching cartel preying on South Africa. According to Cele, foreigners are paying up to R30 000 for flights and accommodation to steal bags worth R250 from unwitting locals. This morning Cele explained that the first step in effective policing was to blame foreigners. “Then you move to other suspects: Jews, Communists, and ultimately the people next door,” he said. “But for now we’re focusing on foreigners, or as we like to call them in Mzansi, dirty pig-dog Auslander amakwerekwere snake-bastard wife-stealing job-hijacking scum-suckers.”
We couldn’t be prouder
President Jacob Zuma says that the South African public has made him and his government proud of them. Meanwhile, the public has replied by asking Zuma and his government to return the favour by trying to phase out the institutionalised theft of its taxes and cutting back on how many daughters of friends he knocks up. “We really really want to be proud of our President and our government,” said a spokesperson. “But Jesus, you guys make it hard.”
Two squeegees and call me in the morning
South Africa’s vast cohort of car window-washers is to start charging medical aide rates for spritzing windscreens at traffic intersections after it was revealed that stagnant window-washer tanks in cars were breeding grounds for Legionnaire’s disease. “Drivers call us parasitic quasi-beggars extorting money for an unasked service badly delivered,” said spokesperson Squeegee Mpofu. “That’s got to stop. From now on we demand to be called Doctor parasitic quasi-beggars extorting money for an unasked service badly delivered.”
Aluta continua randomly
Trade union federation Cosatu has confirmed that it will boycott all of Mexico’s World Cup games to protest what it calls a “fascist government” in the central American country.
Asked if it would also be boycotting North Korean games to protest the despotic regime of Kim Jong-il, or Algerian games to spotlight that country’s institutionalised abuse of women, or the United States’ illegal occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan, or rising anti-Muslim sentiments in Serbia, or the recent ban of minarets in Switzerland, or endemic corruption in Nigeria, or Australia’s refusal to limit carbon emissions, a spokesman said, “Eh, what?”