I first suspected my sex life wasn’t as normal as it should be when my partner asked me one morning: “So, you really don’t remember anything about last night?” I tried to remember, but … nothing. As far as I was concerned, I had been dead to the world.
Then she told me I had tried to initiate sex while I was fast asleep. I was shocked. After all, you are usually far from sleepy when you are hoping for sex.
I hoped it was a one-off — and so did my partner. The last thing she wanted, understandably, was advances from someone who wasn’t aware of who she was, let alone what he was doing.
I was amazed to discover I could be that uninhibited while being fast asleep. What else was I capable of? Would I start talking and say something insane?
It soon became clear that this strange nocturnal habit wasn’t going away.
That was eight years ago and I am still at it. Sometimes, apparently, I will be quite the romantic, getting things going by kissing and stroking my partner. Other times, I will cut to the chase and just try to climb on top of her.
My only comfort is that it has never got too out of hand and seems to follow a pattern.
Of course, she objects, sometimes physically, pushing me off or trying to wake me up. But we have developed strategies and learned to adapt. If I start to get frisky while asleep, my partner just says, “Get off” and I am told I give a little chuckle and roll off. I am so glad that I don’t object or keep trying. If I did, I would seek treatment because I would never want to upset her. In the morning, I have no recollection of it. It is only when I catch sight of my partner’s unimpressed expression that I realise it has happened again.
I now accept it as part of my make-up, but it is weird not to be in control of it.
At first she thought I was awake — my eyes were open — and if she was in the mood, she would sometimes be happy to continue. Apparently my performance doesn’t differ that much whether asleep or awake. But she came to recognise my glazed expression and now rarely goes along with it. I know I would feel the same way: if one partner is not fully present in the moment, then it’s sex with a zombie.
But as she grew wise to me, my sleeping brain learned crafty tactics. If she asks whether I’m awake, I’m told I now somehow manage to mumble “Yes” in order to continue, in spite of being deeply asleep. Sometimes I return to full consciousness in the middle of sex, which is a very strange sensation indeed — rising up through layers of sleep towards wakefulness, only to find I’m on top of my partner.
I knew I was unusual, but didn’t realise there was a name for my condition — sexsomnia, or sleep sex — until someone told me about it.
Sexsomnia is a version of paraÂsomnia, which includes sleepwalking and talking and occurs during the “deep sleep” stage in the first few hours of the night. Neurologists say the condition is on the rise owing to our more stressful lifestyles. This chimes with my experience, because I’ve found that if I am in the intense period of training before the season starts — I’m a professional rugby player — I am totally exhausted at night and seem more likely to have sleep sex. Then several months can go by without a problem if my daytime world is less demanding.
Another trigger is abstinence. The arrival of our young family has meant an increase in sleep sex. I’ve had my testosterone level tested by a sports scientist and discovered that it is abnormally high, so I’m sure it’s connected.
I know some people would be upset by this behaviour, but my partner is very understanding, partly because we’ve talked about it a lot.
It hasn’t affected our waking sex life, but she refuses any action after lights out, just in case. Strangely, if there are times when I wake up normally in the night, I never feel like sex and wouldn’t dream of initiating it. I just go straight back to sleep, and who knows what I’ll get up to then. —