Fork off!: Jason Statham rocks the chrome-dome look in The Beekeeper. Photo: Supplied
In breaking news it has been revealed that barbers in a town in Wiltshire in the UK will be trained “to talk to customers about their well-being in a bid to improve men’s mental health”.
A spokesperson for the Swindon borough council said that the initiative would help men and boys “feel comfortable opening up about their emotional well-being” while getting their hair cut.
It used to be that men opened up about these matters while getting a drink at their local pub and complaining about their troubles to the long-suffering bartender.
Unlike the Swindon barbers these people have no formal training, so the advice was likely to be, “No worries, mate, have another double Bell’s with a beer chaser and you will feel better.”
The main problem with the alcohol consumption solution is there are good drunks and there are bad drunks. The “good” drunks drape their arms over your shoulders, talk loudly and laugh excessively at the lame jokes they keep repeating.
The “bad” drunks also talk loudly but they become aggressive and argumentative, which often leads to fighting. And their behaviour, when they eventually stagger home, means they add to the shocking statistics of gender-based violence in South Africa.
So, some emotional well-being advice from a friendly barber does sound like a good idea.
Since the Covid-19 pandemic, my regular number-two cut has been administered at home, so I have no idea whether the local barbers would be any good at giving advice on mental health problems.
I have been told Ali the Barber in our neighbourhood, master of the fade, is always keen to know about the romantic entanglements of his customers.
But the advice he gives doesn’t seem to be suitable for any of his more enlightened customers. And if his counsel is not heeded, a painful session of eyebrow threading might be thrown in.
The guy who wields his clippers in a shady spot on the pavement, and specialises in the chiskop, might have some wise words to offer but they are likely to be rooted in the more traditional idea of mental health issues.
The main stumbling block here is that it is actually the lack of hair that is most damaging to the mental health of many men.
Hair loss seems to lead directly to loss of self-esteem and from there to desperate measures to hide the rapidly receding hair.
The hairdressers at the pricey salons do their best for their customers’ emotional well-being by artfully using what hair is left to cover the gaps. Others choose to sacrifice their dignity and go for the ridiculous “rug” option. And there are those brave baldheads who opt for implants.
Those with limited budgets — or who are just plain misguided — resort to the dreaded “comb over”. Long strands of the remaining hair are trained to trail across the gaping expanse of baldness. No names of politicians will be mentioned here.
This is all so unnecessary, because the best tactic is to embrace the hair loss and make it your own. A buzz cut of the remaining hair can be a powerful look.
Look no further than Jason Statham, my favourite action-movie hero, who can do more damage with some cutlery than fully-armed Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger combined. And if stubble was a weapon, he would be even more lethal than he already is.
Statham’s mastery of the “minimal dialogue, maximum brute force” movie genre is enhanced by his glowering , bald-headed, permanently five o’clock-shadowed demeanor.
So, loss of hair can just be brushed aside. The more prickly problem is that, with advancing age and as the hair on the head recedes, it starts appearing in places where it really doesn’t belong.
Women can stop reading here because they will scoff at complaints about issues they have been dealing with their whole lives.
But we are talking about places more awkward than armpits or legs. There is little more unattractive than nostrils and ears sprouting a thicket of hairs.
There is, of course, a whole industry involved in the various methods of getting rid of these unwanted hairs. I have seen videos of the waxing procedure for removing ear and nose hairs and, really, I would rather be stabbed by Jason Statham with a fork.
This discussion has been limited to body parts generally visible when fully clothed and I haven’t ventured “down below”. The removal of hair from these regions could be perceived as more dangerous for men, particularly those still learning how to master the shaving of their chins.
I have heard some hair-raising stories of mishaps with electric razors, which have ended with embarrassing visits to a doctor.
The conclusion here is that, whatever the issue with hair is, it is just so irritating and time-consuming.
My mental health and emotional well-being would be much better served by lying on the couch watching reruns of the movies in the Barbershop series. Who better to offer mental health guidance than Ice Cube, Cedric the Entertainer and Nicki Minaj?