Krisjan Lemmer
Mrs H Bingham, a resident at a Johannesburg retirement village, would like it to be known that her name is Henrietta, not Hugh. And no – she does not know the whereabouts of that aristocratic desperado, Lord Lucan.
Henrietta has been inundated with calls from investigative journalists convinced she is Hugh Bingham, the younger brother of Britain’s most famous fugitive from justice. It seems Hugh has also done a disappearing act and he is suspected to be the key to the whereabouts of his big boetie, who is rumoured to have taken up residence in these parts.
Renewed interest in the whereabouts of Lord Lucan – wanted for murdering his children’s nanny, Sandra Rivett, under the apparent misapprehension that she was his wife – has been triggered by Lady Lucan’s attempts to have him declared dead. Some scepticism about that claim has been introduced by a recent engagement notice in The Times which read: “The engagement is announced between Michael, son of Mr and Mrs John Bloch, of Petersfield, Hampshire, and Camilla, younger daughter of the seventh Earl of Lucan, wheresoever, and the Countess of Lucan.”
The use of the term “wheresoever” – rather than “late”, or care of the family mausoleum – suggests the countess may be a trifle premature in her efforts to bury him.
It is strongly suspected that the man behind Lucan’s disappearance was Sir James Goldsmith, the Anglo-French Marmite (or was it Bovril?) magnate. Goldenballs, as he was lovingly immortalised by Private Eye, was a chum of Lucan’s at Eton. He also had close links with South Africa – including a claimed friendship with Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi.
The seventh earl belongs to a warrior tradition: it was a Lord Lucan who gave the idiotic order to the Light Brigade to charge the guns at the end of the “Valley of Death” in the Crimean War. So if anyone sees a dumb- looking Zulu warrior smeared in boot polish galloping in the wrong direction, please give Lemmer a call. It will probably be him.
Henrietta, incidentally, feels it is time to give the earl a break. “If I knew where he was, I wouldn’t tell you,” she informed Lemmer. “I think that man must have had a dreadful life. When you look at his wife’s picture!”
Heated debate in the Dorsbult Bar over whether it is worse to be savaged by a court jester, a praise singer or a dead sheep.
The debate arose from the latest attack on the Mail & Guardian this week over the Marthinus van Schalkwyk imbroglio – this time by Zubeida Jaffer, parliamentary editor with the rabble which humorously characterises itself as the “Independent Group”.
Jaffer, who once described the role of her team as that of court jester and praise singer, pontificated in The Star on Monday (May 11) about the sacred duty of newspapers to establish the truth before going into print. This from the group which gave us the “red mercury” saga (remember the atomic bombs masquerading as ballpoint pens?); had Joe Slovo murdering Ruth First and Robert McBride gun-running for the Irish Republican Army.
“Every revelation” needs to be confirmed by “two sources”, Jaffer says. A “revelation” being a communication from the Almighty, one fears the next target of her wrath will be Moses, for publishing the 10 Commandments without checking up on his source.
Mind you, there are some who are not dependent on even a single source, such as feminist Camille Paglia who recently offered the following explanation as to why she judged Bill Clinton guilty on all counts:
“I was probably the only leading feminist who believed Paula Jones right from the start, from the moment she emerged in 1994. One reason I believed her was because of the allegation that Bill Clinton demanded oral sex from her. Based on my long study of pornographic pictures and videos, I can easily see why Paula Jones would instantly produce a fantasy of oral sex. People kept saying, very ignorantly: `Oh, she’s not very attractive, what would he have seen in her?’
“Well, I can see very clearly that she has this big wide mouth and a lot of teeth and there’s a sort of slackness about her jaw – which is what women porn stars develop when they learn how to relax their jaw muscles to perform great oral sex. I think that Paula Jones was at every stage a walking, talking advertisement for oral sex! So I was stunned when I first saw the pictures of Monica Lewinsky on TV – the big wide smile, the nicely relaxed lips with all those teeth – and I thought: `Oh my God, here we go again!'”
Intensive investigative work by Lemmer has uncovered the identity of the Cuban diplomat who conspired with Robert McBride to overthrow the South African government.
Readers of the M&G will recall the Mozambique charge sheet that alleges McBride contacted “two officials from the American and Cuban embassies, namely Louis and Coba, who promised, respectively, money and uniforms (including boots)”. Students of revolutionary history may recall that “Coba” was the code name for Joseph Stalin. Lemmer is working hard to crack the identity of the American; current favourite is Eleanor Roosevelt.
It’s been another bad week for Gauteng Premier Mathole Motshekga. Hot on the heels of the Negota commission slamming him for incompetence and the M&G’s expos of his business links with a notorious apartheid-era military intelligence man,the Democratic Party’s Gauteng leader, Peter Leon, released documents which purported to show the premier’s office was an administrative shambles.
On Tuesday, Motshekga hit back: halfway through a Gauteng legislature debate on the education budget, the premier sauntered in and announced that charges had been brought against the DP for handling stolen property (the documents). Motshekga’s interjection led to 10 minutes of chaos. Leon kept his cool, pointing out that “we have photocopies of documents from his office – nobody stole them”.
Motshekga has not only laid criminal charges against the DP, he has also issued a writ for R3- million against the M&G. It is to be hoped he is not funding the case with taxpayers’ money, in view of his choice of lawyers: Meltz Le Roux Motshekga Incorporated, in which the premier is a senior partner.
The papers they have served on the M&G are not exactly of a calibre to set us trembling, either. Among other things, the papers say the M&G accused Motshekga of “illegal activity” in that he spied for the apartheid government. With respect, Lemmer can think of nothing more legal at the time than doing one’s bit for Volk en Vaderland in this particular manner.
Item in the TV listings at the weekend, under SABC 2: “21:15 African Renaissance. No details”. Who expected any?