Woolworths
Dear Sir,
I am utterly alarmed. I sent my wife, Brenda, to the shops this morning to purchase something to go with my tea … when Brenda brought me my tea, I noticed that the snack was a small doughy affair covered in what appeared to be cheese. When I inquired further, she told me it was a “mini cheese roll”. So far so good.
It was only when I went into the kitchen to instruct Brenda to refresh my tea that I discovered she was trying to kill me.
I happened to see the wrapping in which these “mini cheese rolls” had arrived. To my horror, I discovered what I had been eating. Inside my snack, which measured seven square centimetres, was an array of toxins the likes of which have never been seen outside The Young Poisoner’s Handbook …
I assume some of these ingredients are not obtained legally. However, you at least have the good grace to print a Consumer Help Line number on the wrapping. I presume this works on the same principle as an emergency call to the city paramedics, and that a specially designed Woolworths ambulance is sent out when a man having a teatime snack falls to the ground with his internal organs imploding one by one.