Two Mancunian pranksters have been entertaining the English sporting public over the past few months with their escapades — which started out as a boozy bet and have turned them into minor celebrities. What they do is sneak themselves into sports events, circumvent the security systems and then pretend to be players. So far their successes include being part of an official, on-field Manchester United team photograph before a big soccer match, walking out on to the centre court at Wimbledon and knocking up as though they were about to play the opening match, and going out to bat at the fall of the first wicket in a cricket Test match.
President Thabo Mbeki must be hoping that this harmless sort of fun was behind the arrival this week of a “rival” for his post. Parliament this week was graced by the visit of the “Leader of the Ruling Party”, complete with his own ID card with bright red letters and a feather symbol.
How he slipped through the R32-million security system — complete with tracking devices throughout the institution, X-ray machines and guard posts — is not yet quite clear to Oom Krisjan. However, parliamentary officials finally managed to evict him, but not before African National Congress MP Pallo Jordan had to insist that there was only one ruling party — the ANC.
Meanwhile, Minister of Finance Trevor Manuel also seems to have problems with people recognising him — but at least his case shows the new set of policemen at the gates of Parliament are a little bit more wakker. One of them chased after him to challenge why he had not shown his permit. The matter was amicable resolved by a ministerial bodyguard.
Mystery deepens
On the matter of anonymity, SAfm contributed to misunderstandings on the Democratic Alliance’s Hans/Harksen mystery money: “The donor preferred to remain anonymous to protect their identity.”
Not everyone’s at their best first thing on Monday mornings.
Tomb raiders
While Lemmer is all for a crackdown on white-collar crime to accompany police action against violence, he thinks the asset forfeiture unit has taken this “we’ll pursue criminals to the ends of the Earth” attitude little too far. What else can we make of the triumphant announcement this week that, in an effort to recoup losses incurred by victims of a R15-million pyramid scheme, the unit had seized two houses, a hairdressing salon, five cars — and a tombstone.
“We are very sensitive to people’s feelings, but I am sure that the mother buried underneath this R110 000 tombstone would never have rested in peace, knowing that it had been purchased with money obtained fraudulently by her son,” said unit mouthpiece Sipho Ngwema.
On your knees
A delegate to the recent World Summit in Jozi popped into the Dorsbult afterwards to drown his sorrows. After several dops he told the manne of a meeting he attended about the New Partnership for Africa’s Development (Nepad) that was meant to be a dialogue between African NGOs and environment ministers.
Having listened patiently to a torrent of criticism from NGOs complaining about how little consultation there had been on Nepad, one minister could contain himself no longer. “What is wrong with you people?” he exclaimed. “We are your rulers and you should listen to what we have to say.”
Lapse of Mr Clean
When it comes to the navy, it would seem, military courts have seen it all. But Oom Krisjan believes Commander Gordon Wardley’s tongue must have been nestled somewhere in his cheek when convicting Warrant Officer, Class One, James Paul Psaradelis last December for unseemly behaviour. (This had included several ejaculations on the office carpet of his young female registry clerk in the Simon’s Town dockyard.)
“You’ve had 34, almost 35 years service,” the military judge told Psaradelis.
“During this time you’ve had no previous convictions. Although it might sound strange, I don’t think I have ever seen a record of service which has been clean for this long a period,” he said, before imposing a R3 000 fine.
Making news
Oom Krisjan is contemplating a collection for the SABC and at least one of its staffers. Not only can the Auntie Squawk not afford to broadcast in all 11 official languages, but one of its Cape Town reporters got robbed — under the eagle eyes of prison warders.
What should have been a PR visit to Pollsmoor prison turned into a crime incident courtesy of the nimble fingers of a prisoner. The SABC reporter was relieved of his wallet, including cash and cards. Good news, however, is that his driver’s licence was later recovered.
Stealth bombers
The Northern Cape is often the forgotten province of the country, but Lemmer has evidence — from the horse’s mouth (www.northern-cape.gov.za/docs) — that the region’s leaders have a subversive plan to change perceptions:
“Together as a provincial team we have ensured that a province that that did not exist until 1994 is now stealthily moving into one of the most innovative and promising provinces, despite its limited resources.”
Horizons limited
There was once a young man who wanted to become a great writer. When asked to define “great”, he said: “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff they will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl and wail in pain, desperation and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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