Newspapers and television continue to seethe with yet more uninformed comment on the matter of the so-called HIV/Aids crisis. I cannot but sympathise with the frustrations of our Department of Health in its lonely and audacious crusade against this killer virus.
In a statement reminiscent of Lewis Carrol, last
week a high-placed health department official said that there was no sense in treating pregnant mothers with drugs like Nevirapine because in rural areas the water was too contaminated for use in the follow-up formula feeding of the babies thereby saved from contracting HIV. Apparently the boiling of water is considered by the health department as too taxing a mental undertaking to be left to rural mothers.
These women will need highly trained health department fieldworkers to show them how to do it. With excuses like that is it any wonder the health department philosophy is so undervalued?
In the incessantly democratic spirit, both of this column and this newspaper, I would like to contribute to the debate by offering Thabo, Manto, Nono et al the benefit of few extra excuses for not supplying the drug, Nevirapine, to HIV-positive mothers.
Excuse No 1: Nevirapine is actually snake-oil in disguise. A far better option would be the use of the Cabinet-approved solution, Virodene. If given to the pregnant mother in sufficient dosages Virodene will actually totally dissolve the HIV-threatened infant in utero thereby avoiding unnecessary emotional trauma and funeral costs. Virodene also deep-fries the mother’s reproductive organs effectively preventing her from conceiving yet more problem infants.
Excuse No 2: Nevirapine cannot be dispensed until it has been formally registered by the Traditional Medicines Control Council. In the unlikely event that it is approved by the council, Nevirapine will have to undergo further clinical trials before it can be registered as an authentic African medication in accordance with Clause 12 of the Mbeki Medical Implementation Code.
Excuse No 3: At R21 a shot Nevirapine is far too expensive. The money saved by not using it will be more wisely spent on fitting out President Thabo Mbeki’s new R300-million personal airliner, thereby enabling him to continue his relentless policy of global ego-tourism in the opulent luxury befitting a towering intellect.
Excuse No 4: Nevirapine contains a secret time-delayed enzyme which at puberty causes total blindness and deafness in all children “saved” by it. Fifteen years from now avaricious Europeans will be able to recolonise Africa virtually undetected. Just like the first time.
Excuse No 5: Nevirapine must stand in its proper place in the government’s HIV/Aids strategy queue. After intense consultation with Mr Mbeki’s Internationally Reviled Aids Advisory Panel, Minister of Health Manto Tshabalala-Msimang recently outlined her department’s priorities. First of all a cure for Aids must be found. This must be followed as soon as possible by the discovery of a vaccine against it. After that comes a wide-ranging “Beware of Aids” sky-writing campaign and leaflet drop. Only when all these and other methodologies have been satisfactorily accomplished can dubious interventionary measures like Nevirapine be safely implemented.
Excuse No 6: Unlike towering intellects Nevirapine cannot be administered by enema. The use of expensive disposable syringes is simply not cost-effective and reusable syringes cannot be sterilised because, as a direct penalty of apartheid, the inhabitants of rural areas still don’t know how to boil water.
Excuse No 7: The non-dispensing of Nevirapine is actually an integral theme in the government’s new Aids Awareness campaign. Every baby born with HIV sends a clear message to those in the community still not practising safe sex. The inspiring health department slogan is: “Using a condom not only stops the baby it also saves it from a suffocating death.”
Excuse No 8: Parks Mankahlana is as yet silent on the matter of Nevirapine. Until the oracle speaks no one can be at all certain. There you are, eight of the best, offered in the deepest humility and at no charge whatsoever. Use ’em or lose ’em, as the saying goes.
Archive: Previous columns by Robert Kirby