11am
Richard Tongetti and James Crabb (whoever they are, I’m not afraid to put my ignorance on display) are playing fiddle and accordion respectively. And the authentic Celtic folk stew they cook up is enough to drive a man to down a whole bottle of whisky.
10.57am
Put fire, wind and water together, and what do you get? That’s right, cheap symbolism. Which means I have to watch a surreal tableau starring some sea nymphs.
”The Aussie commentator for Sky here in Japan just said the Aborigines cleansing the stadium’ were from the Womble clan,” reports Alan Chiyo. ”Admittedly, he hesitated a bit before he said it.”
10.55am
Time for some traditional Aboriginal music, using traditional Aboriginal instruments such as synths and vocoders. It sounds like the backing track for a building society advert from 1987. ”Have they started drinking lager yet?” asks Stuart Cane.
10.50am
A local band are playing. They’re called Jaws or George. They’re a sort of ersatz T’Pau.
10.45am
Some precocious drama-school geek leaps up on to a platform and ”kicks” a goal the entire length of the stadium. This happened a good five minutes ago, to tell you the truth, but my spirit has been broken.
”Can I be the first to slag off Jim ‘Count Von Count’ Rosenthal, Angus Scott-Tracy, Gabby ‘my husband plays rugby you know’ Logan, Will ‘Freak’ Carling, Steve ‘stroppy little frog’ Smith, the theme music, the Travelex promos, in fact the entire ITV coverage?”
The floor’s yours, Chris Hughes.
10.40am
Viewed from above, all the kids form a large cartoon rugby player. Who suddenly starts moving! Amazing. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to have been planned all that well, because the legs start moving in opposite directions and begin to bend upwards, so the player appears to be suffering from rickets.
”They should have had Paul Hogan in character as Crocodile Dundee, circling the stadium in a truck, pretending to have a shave with his big knife, just like in that film,” writes Lawrence Horan, who should have been put in charge of all this.
10.35am
Loads of bloody kids, dressed in primary colours, are leaping about making a racket. The choreography is reminiscent of Gazza’s work in the Fog on the Tyne promo.
10.30am
In a homage to ITV’s ludicrous theme music, 80 drummers start clattering away. They’re standing on the roof of the Sydney Opera House, which can’t be safe. How on earth did they get a safety certificate for that? Brown envelopes in council HQ, I’m saying.
10.25am
The first hellish strains of Waltzing Matilda eminate from the Telstra Stadium in Sydney. There are some blue lights. And, er, that’s it. No fireworks, no kids running round in authentic costumes, nothing. This is truly tedious.
ITV theme tune update
It’s a funked-up version of World in Union, of course, featuring loud kettle drums, pompous caterwauling and a totally unnecessary key change at the end.
Preamble
After all the waiting and the anticipation, it’s here at last: the 30-days-till-the-Rugby-World-Cup-gets-exciting mark. And to celebrate, the Aussies are putting on a show. And what a show it promises to be, as an assortment of big men biding their time until they become lawyers, management consultants or Borders policemen traipse about a field sporting freshly-pressed blazers and holding large flags. — Guardian Unlimited