Of whom the Bols tell
Daaronder in the visdorpie, Kortbroek van Schalkwyk has been doing to provincial government … What? The lawyers won’t allow that? OK, jammer.
However, what Oom Krisjan can share with readers is news of an uitstappie his royal highness — the biggest, newest, nattiest gnat premier — undertook to the Helderberg Basin on Tuesday. Accompanied by the provincial minister of transport, Tasneem Essop, HRH Kortbroek decided to ”consult” the community on the proposed tolling of the N1, N2 and R300 in the Cape Metropolitan area. (Here in the Groot Marico, from where the hekkies on the way to the visdorpie or piesangland cost your Christmas bonus, we believe this new plan to be the ”not 1, not 2 but R300 a month” toll.)
An ”unsolicited proposal” for the tolling of the roads has already resulted in an environmental impact assessment being made, which has been approved by the national Department of Environmental Affairs and Tourism. The impact study considered and approved eight toll plazas on the three roads in question.
Kortbroek and Essop were at pains to stress that this approval did not mean the road would necessarily be tolled. However, if anyone wanted to object (and the period to register disapproval ended on October 30), he or she could object only on environmental grounds, not to the principle of a toll itself.
So, with the impact study’s approval nestling in his back pocket, Kort- broek is on a good wicket, as they say. Since only environmental objections (already dealt with by the department) would be entertained, he can soon gloriously announce the development of the plazas — and claim that no one objected to the decision to toll.
The manne raise their glasses to this Neat Nat Party trick.
Driving me crazy
After a train accident last week at a Cape Town station, a police officer, describing what happened to journalists, saw fit to mention that the train driver was a female who could be charged with culpable homicide. When was the last time you heard it mentioned that the driver involved in an accident was a male? And when brakes fail, does the gender really matter? What Lemmer really wants to know, though, is was she wearing a hat?
Rupert the bear
Without doubt, Oom Krisjan’s favourite TV series of the past decade has been The Simpsons. So he was tickled pink to read a story on The Guardian site that Bart, Homer and Co had so upset Fox News Channel that Rupert Murdoch’s boys had threatened to sue the show’s creator, Matt Groening.
During the episode in question The Simpsons had a parody of Fox News’s infamous anti-Democratic news ticker running across the bottom of the screen. Headlines like: ”Pointless news crawls up 37% … Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at foxnews.com … Rupert Murdoch: Terrific dancer … Dow down 5 000 points … Study: 92% of Democrats are gay … JFK posthumously joins Republican Party … Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple…” made the news folks’ blood boil.
What makes the story so delightful is that The Simpsons is produced by Fox Entertainment, and the suit was canned when Murdoch realised he’d be effectively suing himself.
Oliphant remembers
Until last week, Oom Krisjan thought Andre Stander was South Africa’s most notorious export to Florida. But then an American friend brought to his attention a story in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. The item, about the November 4 mail-in election, suggests the state has learned nothing from the pregnant chad fiasco — where Bushbaby stole the country from Al Gore. Apparently voters in Broward County, just north of Miami, are reporting that they have received extra ballots in the post — and the blame is being laid at the door of elections supervisor Miriam Oliphant.
Even if Oliphant does not have some South African connections, as her name suggests, she might well have learned her trade here. Although the Sun-Sentinel could not contact her, she previously blamed her office’s slowness in cleaning up the voters’ roll on the recent budget crisis. Apparently among those sent extra ballot papers is the county mayor, Diana Wasserman-Rubin.
It seems Oliphant believes in the old story that you should vote early and vote often.
More definitively SA
Thanks to all for contributing to Lemmer’s call for South African responses to The Washington Post’s Style Invitational.
Race: The highest-value card in each suit of a South African pack of cards.
Tripidation: Fear of falling flat on the floor on your face.
Internet bonking: The act of being screwed out of money over the Net.
Richesfelt: A feeling expressed by a community when a claim on valuable property is verified.
Geostatic: The ability, by certain inert South African rugby players and officials, to resist moral pressure against discrimination.
Neuro: A depressed currency.
Dickotomy: Punishment for rapists.
Bureaucret: Intellectually challenged civil servant.
Premunition: An expectation of an arms deal fiddle.
Nonscience: The aplomb with which public officials go about their business in the face of corruption allegations.
Venerations: The big egos of local soap stars.
Politrics: The art of releasing just enough information about a new political scandal to distract the public’s attention from the current scandal.
Lemmen: Failed Krisjan attempt at humour — extremely rare!
And the joint winners are (loud drum roll, inadequately masking sounds of fake celebrity slurping his Klippies instead of opening the envelope)…
Imallini: The vast sums South Africans inexplicably invest in shopping complexes.
Scrumbag: Anyone associated with Springbok rugby.
Oom Krisjan suspects someone at Heinz Newspapers Inc was trying to surreptitiously enter the contest when this headline appeared on iol.co.za on Monday: ”Ten killed in minibush smash on N2.”