As threatened last week here is an idiot’s guide to the 2004 election manifesto of another of the three most prominent political parties currently filling the airwaves and newsprint with great rushings of wind, promises, pledges, commitments, warranties, bargains, bonds and sureties.
Prominence in this instance must not be confused with amplification. As anyone who’s been anywhere near Patricia de Lille will testify, sheer volume and shrillness of delivery bear no correlation to the mass of the political equity being punted.
This week, a brief look at the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP, released the Sunday before last to a flabbergasted audience in Soweto. The show started off with proof of rival Marthinus van Schalkwyk’s contention that South Africa is a country where everyone sings in a different key. Flinging their heads back in patriotic ecstasy, the massed DA choir demonstrated this is definitely the case.
The first thing that needs to be explained about the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP is, of course, the ‘XP”. This stands for Xenomaniacal Progressivity.
For those without a dictionary at hand, xeno-mania is defined in Chambers as ‘an inordinate attachment to things foreign” — in this case the DA’s well-known and often trumpeted respect for the genteel political methodologies and traditions of long established democracies like Italy, Northern Ireland, Bosnia, Israel and, if the money’s untraceable, even Germany. In other words the DA likes to do political things in anything but the traditional African way that has worked so well in Zimbabwe and the Congo.
That’s the actual message behind its slogan South Africa Deserves Better. The slogan is not just a snide comment about the vast picture of Tony Leon above it.
When using Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP it is important to make sure that you have upgraded to the latest version. The DA tends to change its configurations and default settings as often as a bomb squad defuser with Birkett’s palsy changes his underpants.
One moment the DA flings wide its in-boxes to any passing Zulu autocrat wearing enough leopard skin to be deemed of authentic royal lineage, the next he’s been shoved behind the DA’s spam firewall. Nothing from Ulundi ever gets through.
Also, if you don’t upgrade you could find yourself with a 2001 EP version containing folders dripping with rancid NNP slime. Even the fastest hard drives will be slowed down to walking pace. Trace resources like the Peter Marais and Gerald Morkel protocols will be lurking around the modem waiting for a chance to steal their way back into mainstream politics.
No amount of defragmentation or disc clean-ups will do the job. You have to go to the DA website www.leonheart.org and follow the upgrade instructions. From this site you’ll also be able to download a soothing screen saver of Douglas Gibson being spanked by Frene Ginwala.
One of the core values of the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP is expressed by the fatuous cliché ‘Safeguarding Democracy”. This means that, despite what Thabo Mbeki says, the DA believes our precious rainbow democracy is under threat and needs to be fortified, the way Johannesburg northern suburb houses are fortified.
The DA undertakes to keep democracy behind high walls. It will erect electric razor-wire fencing, put in a panic button and install some emotionally unstable Rottweilers. Users are advised to create some back-up files just in case.
One of the most important and often confusing parts of any manifesto is what it files under its views. Finding these in the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP is quite easy. Go to Views, click on Status Bar, Details and then What the DA Stands for Today. Type in the word abettersouthafricawithtonyatthehelm (all in lower case), press enter and then left click on Properties.
You will be presented with a drop-down menu offering View As options like: Post-Apartheid Liberal Wank; Twilight Home for Genetically Modified NNP Elders; Conscience Ablution Facility for Big Businesses that Made Fortunes out of Apartheid; Garden Services at the Moral High Ground once Occupied by Helen Suzman; or Distant Washing Line for Dodgy German Capital.
Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP offers an interesting section where users are able to test their compatibility. Go to Help, click on Topics, then Exploring the DA. Here, right click on FAQs (for frequently asked questions). Up will pop a small blank window where you can type in any question that’s bothering you, like ‘Why is Tony Leon hiring Rudolf Straeuli as his personal trainer?” or ‘Is Joe Seremane getting as much white privilege as he would if he joined the ANC?” or ‘Is Dene Smuts really older than her IQ?”
One of the most pleasant features of the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP is its Games section. Here some challenging testers of skill and political intellect are to be found. If you think Freecell is strenuous, try a session of I Am a Camerer or Lounge Lizard Larry Markowitz Versus the Finance Committee.
Next week a quick look into the ‘Let Them Eat Beetroot” manifesto of the Association of Nepotists and Cronies.