Whatever else happens, it’s been an historic season, peppered with tales of Thierry Henry’s talent, Roman Abramovich’s wallet and Sir Alex Ferguson’s anger. Oh, and David Beckham’s wilful … but we can’t delve too deeply into that in a family newspaper.
Here then, the season’s highlights.
Best player
No, sorry, not Henry. We all knew he was great. This accolade belongs to Frank Lampard, who finally emerged from his father’s shadow at West Ham to become the best English midfielder in the country despite the confusion which often reigned at Chelsea. I just hope Sven-Goran Eriksson noticed and puts him in ahead of the lamentable Paul Scholes at Euro 2004.
Worst player
Danny Mills. Anybody who saw his antics for Middlesbrough against Arsenal will know what I’m talking about. He tried to get tough with Henry and ended up being nutmegged at the corner flag. He will be a laughing stock at Highbury forever.
Best goalkeeper
Southampton’s Finnish number one Antti Niemi travelled south from Scotland to try his hand at real football — and it worked. He has been superb all season and may well find himself on the move during the off-season. Statistics, which can lie, show he made a higher percentage of saves than any other goalkeeper in the premier league.
Worst goalkeeper
Jens Lehmann at Arsenal. Yes, I know he conceded fewer than anyone else, and, yes, I know he is now the proud owner of a championship medal. But he makes a crisis out of nothing, losing his head for no reason when his side are cruising comfortably. What about the last-minute penalty at Spurs? The shoving, the gesticulating, the aggro? No wonder Oliver Kahn has overstayed his welcome in the German side if Lehmann is his arch-rival, and boy, does the Gunner whinge about that.
Best loan ranger
Mikael Forsell, on loan at Birmingham from Chelsea, and Jermaine Pennant, on loan at Leeds from Chelsea, are two obvious choices, but how about Aleksandr Smertin, the Chelsea midfielder at Portsmouth who drove them out of the relegation zone towards the end of the season? You know when an on-loan player is given the captain’s armband he’s got to be special.
Worst motivator
Graeme Souness is right up there after his failure to lift Blackburn all season. But how about Manchester City boss Kevin Keegan? Apparently in the famous FA Cup tie against Spurs, with his side down to 10 men and losing 3-0, KK told his troops: ‘It’s all about damage limitation now.†So they went out and won 4-3.
Worst decision
Hmm. Peter Ridsdale, the former Leeds chairperson, made plenty of those, leaving the club on the brink of financial implosion. But surely the worst decision of all this season was Wimbledon’s move to Milton Keynes. They went down to division two with barely a murmur.
Worst soccer decision
I guess that has to be Claudio Ranieri’s mystifying decision to bring on a self-confessed ‘not-very-fit†Seba Veron at half-time against Monaco in the lamentable Champions League semifinal failure.
Bravest act
Ranieri admitting after this tinkering: ‘It was my fault.†We’ll all miss him.
Silliest appointment
Spurs making PSV’s Frank Arnsen their ‘director of sportâ€. The whole point of having a director behind a yet-to-be-named coach is that he knows the game. If Arnsen runs Spurs with a foreign boss, they’ll both be lost.
Stirring tale
It’s got to be Dennis Wise leading unloved Millwall to the FA Cup final. Very few people are backing them financially, most are behind them emotionally.
Biggest comeback
When Iain Dowie took over at Crystal Palace last year, they were heading for relegation and penniless. Now they’re in the play-off final for a place in the Premiership. Incredible.
Manager of the year
Steve Bruce of Birmingham City and David O’Leary at Aston Villa share that accolade for over-achievement at their clubs, though obviously Arsène Wenger’s historic feat with Arsenal can’t go unrecognised.
Blunder boss
Former South Africa coach and Manchester United assistant manager Carlos Queiros managed to turn Real Madrid’s expensively assembled galacticos into gallumphers who won nothing and may now face a round of pre-qualifying to reach the Champions League. Ouch.