How to stamp out Scorpions

The unholy fuss about the future of the Scorpions has everyone on tenterhooks. Not least, those unfortunates who have been captured in the Scorpion’s laser-beam and await the terrible knock on the door that indicates arrest and trial are imminent. Can you imagine the feeling of hot panic that engulfs the dodgy politician or shady businessman at the sight of Willie Hofmeyr thundering up the drive in his assets forfeiture pantechnicon?

‘Quick darling, tell Peter to dump the Pajero in the deep end of the swimming pool. And quickly stick all your jewellery up the nearest chimney. See if you can throw the plasma screen and surround-sound over the wall into Joe Pillay’s garden. I’ll try to delay Hofmeyr at the front door. He doesn’t look all that strong.”

The Scorpions killer barb throbbing above one is not a pretty sight. Ask Schabir Shaik. He became so delirious as a result of their stings, he’s had to go on a restorative haj.

For those of us still sadly picking our way through what Judge John Hlophe calls colonial-flavoured judicial debris, it seems a more than a bit eerie that the Scorpions are either to be disbanded or rendered invisible in the police force. This is harbinger stuff. They’re going through the window-dressing process at the moment, but I’ll lay my bottom dollar the stingers are already stung.

To find out more I got in touch with my mole in the Department of Justice. We met in a gloomy garage under the Union Buildings.

‘It seems there’s no doubt the Scorpions are on their way out?” I said to the shadowy figure crouched beside a vast shiny Mercedes. ‘But why?”

‘Try to think,” he snorted. ‘The Scorpions have been going on like there’s no tomorrow, operating without fear or favour, making no allowance for crony rank. They’re the last thing anybody wants in a young and flourishing democracy. They’re their own worst enemies. As we speak, those intrusive little shits are up there trying to squirt their vile toxins into an honourable ex-deputy president who wouldn’t even be under scrutiny if the same intrusive little shits hadn’t nailed his favourite loan-shark so efficiently.”

‘So it’s not surprising the Scorpions are going to be thrown into the revolutionary shredder?”

‘The only thing that’s surprising is how long it’s taken Brigitte to come to her senses. Letting a powerful arm of one’s justice system operate independently is simply begging for trouble.”

‘So what’s going to replace the Scorpions after they wither and die on Commander Jackie Selebi’s vine?”

‘From what I hear, a brand new organisation to fight runaway crime and corruption is about to be announced. The idea came out of a sniff-tank some of the top department lads had at the Lost City salon privé a couple of weeks ago. What they now want is to set up a Scorpions replacement unit that isn’t run by a bunch of psychotic advocates and investigators with huge chips on their shoulders about things like truth and honesty.”

‘So 20th century,” I murmured.

‘The sniff-tank decided that a more forensic approach was needed. Something more scientific. Some organisation that doesn’t get its rocks off by dragging people into court, confiscating their ill-gotten gains and then getting all piss-arrogant about it on Special Assignment. Some quasi-judicial body that holds itself aloof, that recognises the need to protect the innate dignity of thieves.

‘Sounds wonderful,” I exclaimed. ‘What will they be calling this one?”

‘Since forensic scientists gain their intelligence by crawling around decomposing bodies, it was generally agreed the replacement for the Scorpions should be called the Maggots.”

I gasped at the sheer audacity of the idea. ‘They’re going to need someone truly brilliant to head up a formidable new forensically styled anti-corruption arm.”

‘Exactly. That’s why they’re holding thumbs they can get Dr David Klatzow to agree to be first Director of Maggots Operations. Klatzow’s work as an entirely self-taught international aircraft accident investigator showed not only the breadth of his imaginative powers, but how he also had the courage to make findings in total contradiction with all of the world’s leading experts.”

‘And he deserves a break after the shameful way the Kebbles have treated him,” I enthused. ‘One day they’ve employed him as an independent investigator into the tragic death of the family concert pianist. The next they’re telling him to go and waddle someplace else.”

‘So sad when genius goes unrecognised,” said my mole. ‘I just love the way Klatzow always comes up on television in his stained white coat, surrounded by all those skulls, microscopes and bottles with pickled brains in them. If he takes the job he’ll be well supported by some others being considered for top Maggots posts. I hear tell Judge Willem Heath is on the shortlist. If his appeal against his own fraud and corruption sentence succeeds, Tony Yengeni would be an ideal Maggots senior prosecutor. For force-fed legal advice they’ll have to consider roping in attorney Barry Aaron, currently leading the Imvume civil assault on the Mail & Gardening.”

‘It’s comforting to think morality is still such a priority,” I mused happily.

‘Surely you never dreamed otherwise,” said the mole as he disappeared into the shadows.