It’s been a while since I gathered up a collection of delicious items to demonstrate human stupidity in action, so, yup — that’s the theme this time. Is it trite? Banal? Hell, yeah. I mean, are you reading this to get depressed, or to get a brief cackle or two that takes you out of the usual horrors of your everyday existence? (No, don’t answer that. I don’t want to discover that everyone reading this is a suicidal Goth looking for reasons to jump.)
So gather round and let’s enjoy the voyeuristic pleasure of reading about people who — unlike us — had the misfortune to get caught, doing something real dumb.
You’re a deputy in a Texas police station, and you need to teach your 13-year-old nephew something about good behaviour. Do you: a) lecture him sternly; or b) lock him in a cell with an accused murderer? As a long-time reader, you know the answer that’s coming. Deputy Accused of Leaving Nephew in Murder Suspect’s Cell.
What’s worse than being drunk enough to decide that having sex with a lamb is a good idea? Answer: getting caught at it. See the pic of the lamb-loving fire chief and his sweet four-legged babe, who was probably “asking for it”. (I’m kidding!)
Note the pic of the good-ole-boy mayor who’s currently under investigation for refusing to accept a cheque marked “for speed trap” from a speeding motorist.
A Dilbert-like moment, and an apology to all you office-worker slaves. The inventor of the “office cubicle” — in case you never knew this — apologised for having created such an evil thing in the first place: Monolithic Insanity.
You want to help your kids with their tennis career. Do you train them, or do you think killing their tennis opponents is a much better idea? Game, set and “thud”: Tennis Dad Gets Eight Years in Drug Death.
Want to make your children wet themselves, freak out and call the police? Make a fake bomb and stash it in the freezer where the kids are sure to find it: Mom Accused of Child Endangerment for Bomb Prank on Sons.
Then there’s the other extreme of “mom” — like the totally embarrassing saga of the mom who got tickets for Girls Gone Wild for her adult sons (who, one notes, never complained) — and then mom discovered just what happens at Girls Gone Wild shows. Oh boy, suddenly mom is in the newspapers complaining. Oh, the humanity!
What’s better than stealing small, fluffy, cute animals? Correct! Stealing small fluffy cute animals — and then feeding them to really big, hungry other animals, in front of horrified onlookers. Awww. Stolen Rabbit Fed to Alligator.
Long-time internet geeks will recall the joyous video of the infamous time some morons decided that blowing up a whale carcass was a “good idea”. Well, it’s about to happen again. I can’t wait to see the video. Firstly, for those who’ve never seen the wondrous joys of what happened when idiots thought that blowing up a 40-tonne-plus whale carcass could be done without causing the sky to fill with gory whale shrapnel, go stare in awe at the movie known to geeks everywhere as The Infamous Exploding Whale.
Having seen that, now you perhaps understand my relish and anticipation at a new set of folks who have decided Rotting Whale Carcass May Have to Be Blown Up.
‘Crime pays — provided you have a brain to begin with’
Jokes not to do in banks, number 47. Don’t walk into a bank wearing a mask, demand money — and then pull the mask off and tell everyone you were “just kidding“.
More useful advice. When your daughters are in court charged for theft, don’t arrive with the stolen purse she gave you.
Ninjas again. What’s worse than robbing a 7-11 with a sword? Crashing into a tree, 10 minutes later, on the way home.
Crime sometimes is motivated by odd things. For instance, in this next news item one has to wonder (and feel faintly sad on behalf of the “criminal”) given the hinted at a back story, and clear signs of them not being a well puppy at all. Here’s a new reason for breaking and entering: Loneliness.
Heard the one about the convicted murderer who tried to bite himself to death? No — there’s no punch line, sorry
Truth is stranger than fiction
You’ve just stolen a car, and now you’re lost. Can you even imagine what the statistical odds are when you stop at a randomly chosen house to ask for directions and you’re at the home of the car owner’s family? Stop for Directions Foils Thief.
You’d imagine that if you’ve reached your 60s, you’d have learned a few things. Wisdom. Sometime intelligence. But most of all — the rather obvious one, if you’re using an oxygen mask, then lighting a cigarette is not a good idea.
N00bs in spa-a-a-ce
There’s a great new scam online, especially designed for people who don’t read carefully. Take the story of the woman who didn’t read the description of what she ordered on eBay, and paid out $300 for an iPod box.
Here’s another cute example of this scamming in action. Read the description of this item on eBay closely to see how the scam works. What is supposedly an LCD monitor is actually just a “FLAT SCREEN LCD COMPUTER MONITOR wholesale list” — and someone’s already offered $51 for it.
Lovely red-faces time. What’s more awkward than a competition trying to find the “most eligible bachelor” for local women to perv over? Picking the one who happens to be gay.
In the “well, someone must have thought it was a clever idea” category, Mexico has launched a campaign aimed at stamping out sexual harassment — using sex dolls.
Whereas over in the “It’s alive, it’s alive!” section, two scientists have set a new record for the hottest temperature created on Earth, far hotter than even the sun itself — as they created temperatures of 3,6-billion degrees Fahrenheit in a lab. Here’s the scary part — they don’t know how they did it.
Some sex. Mmm
As the numbers of humans on Earth who know how to make fire has increased, naturally all religions are starting to lose followers. So what could be a good way to attract new members to your church? Exactly. Read Church Holds Free Porn Weekend.
Then, for the glorious heading of this article dealing with testing for prostate cancer, you’ll have to click through to experience the distant sound of sub-editors sniggering cheerfully.
And for a news item with a name that just appeals to my contentedly juvenile sense of humour, read Licking County Man Arrested for Making 2 623 Obscene Phone Calls in 20 Days.
Until the next time, if life doesn’t get me.