Going gaga for Iron Mike

It was a match made in cartoon heaven: the guy with a shower on his head meets the guy with tattoos on his head; the man who says Zulu culture permits him sexual licence and the man who says America guarantees him regular blowjobs.

Well, that was the plan: Jacob Zuma was jetting back early from Davos to host a charity banquet with ‘the baddest man on the planet”.

At the Emperor’s Palace convention centre it was BEE meets Boksburg. White kids with peroxided mullets and snorre, urbane black men in sharp suits, women with big hair and deep cleavages, off-duty bouncers strutting around with watermelons under their shirtsleeves.

There were also lots of what passes for celebrities in South Africa — think Joost and Amor, ubiquitous, self-styled ‘it” girls Khanyi Mbau and Babalwa Mneno, as well as politicians Jeff Radebe, Duma Nkosi, Bantu Holomisa and Winnie M-M, making her usual grand, late entrance.

The word at the hacks’ table was that the organisers had reached a deal with women’s groups: Mike Tyson would condemn abuse in return for gender activists not staging a protest.

Built on airport property, the casino apparently enjoys national key point status.

MC Carol Manana cantered breathlessly through a short statement about how Emperor’s Palace would like to ‘honour Powa” and is ‘totally opposed to violence against women”.

She then broke the hearts of all the punters who’d shelled out seven and half grand by announcing that JZ would not attend because of an ’emergency engagement” (‘He’s a busy guy,” quipped comedian David Kau. ‘Maybe a wedding came up”).

And then, an hour after scheduled kick-off time, ‘Iron Mike” entered, flanked by bodyguards and the mandatory babe, to trumpet fanfares interspersed with slow sensitive bits.

Welcoming him, Ekurhuleni mayor Duma Nkosi lauded Tyson for proving that ‘life is 10% how you make it and 90% how you take it” (as Tyson’s ex-wife Robin Givens could no doubt attest).

Then Dali Mpofu, wearing his hat as chairman of Boxing SA, explained how boxing ‘unites people across all sorts of divides” (except, apparently, the gender divide.) ‘Anyone who has not made a mistake should be the first to criticise,” he admonished. (Hmmm — none of my mistakes have involved grievous bodily harm, police cars or parole officers).

His hope that Tyson would help address some of South Africa’s ills, such as crime and women abuse, prompted one wag to crack: ‘What, as a service provider?”

Tyson was less forthcoming. In a 30-second response he thanked his ‘dear friend” Winnie (whom he’d just met), asked for forgiveness for stumbling over his words (‘I’m so jetlagged”) and sat down. Nothing about women abuse.

As the man who prompted the greatest headline ever (‘Chump chomps champ” — Calgary Sun), surely Tyson had something useful to say about boxing? Nada, zilch.

Tyson memorabilia were then auctioned (R50k for a signed glove and poster in a frame) and each table was ushered to the front for a group photo with him (only winning bidders got a solo pic).

What is really perplexing is his drawing power for certain women. ‘I just wanted to kiss him,” gushed Mneno after she and Mbau cosied up for a pic.

‘He has a certain appeal,” sighed a normally sensible journalist acquaintance. So do rogue elephants, but I wouldn’t get in close contact.

On his rape conviction, Mneno suggested: ‘Well, there are two sides to every story; maybe she just wanted to make money out of him.” On his history of domestic violence: ‘I don’t know anything about that.”

Tyson doesn’t need to redeem himself or apologise — everyone else is so quick to do it for him.

All he has to do is roll up, be famous, mutter a few incoherent sentences, pose for pictures and rake in the dosh.

Some of the money is going to charity, but even Colombian drug lords buy football gear for poor slum kids. It’s called PR.

Tyson’s worst

• ‘Man, I’ll never forget that punch, it was when I fought with Robin — She really offended me and I went bam, and she flew backward, hitting every fucking wall in the apartment” (on the best blow he had ever thrown).
• ‘I’m just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it’s un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked … ‘
• ”I like to hurt women when I make love to them. I like to hear them scream with pain, to see them bleed. It gives me pleasure.”
• ‘You guys have written so much bad stuff about me I can’t remember the last time I fucked a decent woman. I have to go with strippers and ho’s and bitches because you put that image on me.”
• ”I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”
• To a female reporter: ‘I normally don’t do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t talk anymore … unless you want to, you know …”
• ‘He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse” (on a 2002 column by sportswriter Wallace Matthews).

— Various media sources