Thirty days ago nobody had heard of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. Today everybody has a favourite ‘Comical Ali” one-liner. The Iraqi minister of information has spawned a T-shirt boom, websites and fan clubs. And why wouldn’t he? He is a gem, and one South African sport badly needs.
Imagine what otherworldly observations came from the minister during his inevitable flight to Damascus along with the rest of the Iraqi high command.
‘Do not be afraid of that helicopter gunship heading for our truck, comrades, any moment now loyal peasants will annihilate it with well-aimed rocks. That is not a missile coming our way, brothers, it is a burning American airman. See how he roars past and slams into the Volvo behind us. While there is nothing to fear, I think we should entrench ourselves behind that patriotic dune over there as I think I see another burning American airman coming our way. Bugger.”
It’s safe to assume Al-Sahaf’s career as a minister is over, but it is almost certain that his creative genius will not be lost to the world. At this moment headhunters from KPMG and Microsoft are racing the marines to the Syrian border in a desperate bid to capture the rarefied mind that steams under that little black beret.
And South African sport has fumbled the ball by not being part of that race.
Instead of enlisting the services of the greatest spin doctor since Pik Botha, our sporting leaders continue in the naive belief that the public wants to hear the truth.
Signs of this horrible candour are everywhere. Last weekend Stormers captain Corné Krige told news agencies that his team ‘threw away” their Super 12 match against the Queensland Reds. Good God, Corné, are you mad?
Drunk on this heady mix of defeatism and honesty, coach Gert Smal weighed in with the observation that if one doesn’t perform on the day, ‘you can be humiliated”. Oh for two tranquilliser darts and a big black van to carry the unconscious duo away for re-education —
It could have been so lovely. With Krige and Smal chained to each other in a dank cellar under Newlands, Al-Sahaf would have addressed the media. ‘What appeared to be a Stormers loss was in fact a tactical repositioning of our players. We have found glory by outsmarting the Australian invaders. Their bellies are roasting in hell.”
How do you account for the score, some cynically unsporting reporters will ask. ‘Naturally the score is a fabrication of the Australian media. There is no score. You are a victim of your country’s obsession with scores. Do not panic. I am here. You can call me Al.”
Unfortunately celebrations of the Stormers’ victory (with the customary stamping on posters of Reds players and shooting of AK-47s into the air) would have been cut short as news came in from Bangladesh that Biff Smith was blabbing about South Africa’s thrashing by India. Smith, poor misguided child that he is, was reported as saying he got things a bit mixed up in arranging his bowling attack, and he had been guilty of a ‘tactical error” in not allowing Shaun Pollock to finish his full 10-over spell. If only Al-Sahaf had been on hand to explain the real situation —
‘There was no blunder. Brigadier Pollock bowled his full spell, and took 34 wickets in 11 deliveries, including three consecutive hat-tricks. Field Marshal Smith distinguished himself by scoring the first triple century in a one-day international.”
Of course it will be a major setback to our sports if we don’t get Comical Ali. Minister of Sports and Recreation Ngconde Balfour has shown flashes of promise with some solid doublespeak and workmanlike evasion, but so far his efforts have fallen short of the mark. Witness his reaction to the news that New Zealand football wallah Charles Dempsey would not be part of the World Cup 2010 bid-selection team, an all-too-frank ‘thank God” that the Kiwi was gone.
Ali would have had none of it.
‘We have never lost a bid. We win every bid we attempt. As for the New Zealand aggressor, here is footage of him taken in a Baghdad prison yesterday. Pay no attention to what seems to be the Waldorf Astoria behind him. The bid-rigging aggressor has been incinerated. His belly roasts in hell.”