Easy. Start with a few million registered voters, throw in a public holiday, add 55-million ballot papers and sprinkle the cocktail with two million paper clips.
Or something like that, according to official figures released by the Independent Electoral Commission (IEC) on Wednesday at the results centre in Pretoria.
First, you need registered voters. While these may be hard to convince to wake up early and stand in a queue, a good idea is to give them a public holiday, and you may get at least 23 181 997 coming out to tick their box — the official number of South Africans registered to vote.
Adding other categories like “special voters” could increase that number by another 86 578.
Then you need to give them a place to hang out, which are called polling stations, and you need at least 19 726 across the country.
These stations need to be kitted out impressively. To compete with Wednesday’s elections, you will need to procure 450 tons of paper, which you will use to print 55-million ballot papers and 394 400 stickers for staff identification.
However, urge officials not to mark ballot papers beforehand, such as the presiding official in Ulundi, because this could be problematic (or illegal).
The props inside, pivotal for creating that authentic voting atmosphere, should include 97 002 ballot boxes (cardboard will do), 92 700 voting compartments, and no less than 49 tonnes of stationery.
For décor, you’ll need 40 000 banners, 45 000 calculators and 30 000 zip-zip scanners. Yes, zip-zip scanners.
Then there are the little things, which add that extra genuine feel to the voting stations. These are 2,25-million paper clips, 4,5-million ballpoint pens and 1 500 litres of ink, which you should use to draw thick lines (the less aesthetically pleasing, the better) on your voters’ thumbs.
Your choice of supplier is up to you, but this might be a good time to show how transparent your tender processes are.
And, of course, there’s the rent-a-crowd so that your election day is as fun as can be. Make sure you get 215 000 officials to work at the stations, 5 000 domestic observers and, for that worldly sophistication, try to get 352 international observers and 358 diplomats to attend.
Once you’ve got all this sorted, you can have your very own election day, just like South Africa had on Wednesday!