Hayibo. Making the news—up
Ballot box or pine box?
As allegations mount of political assassinations in Mpumalanga, the local ANC branch has offered its condolences to the family of a business rival who committed suicide yesterday by shooting himself in the back 15 times from a passing car. “We deeply regret the passing of Comrade Whistleblower Vilakazi,” said spokesman Caligula ‘The Hammer’ Mbete. “To gun himself down like that while walking to the cafe to buy milk — well, no-one saw it coming. Least of all himself.”
Come Mr Premier, tally me banana—
Meanwhile Mpumalanga Premier David Mabuza has angrily denied that he rules a corrupt “banana province”, saying that in order to be a banana province you need bananas and all his bananas have been stolen. “They were an official gift from the Prime Minister of Belize and I am quite cross about it,” he added.
Blowing up stuff
Minister of Police Nathi Mthethwa has tried to reassure European football fans by explaining that vuvuzelas are “not horns for war”. Military historians have backed up the Minister’s assertion, explaining that in a pitched battle between one army using vuvuzelas and another using cruise missiles, the latter “would probably win”.
Phishy
South Africa’s major banks have warned against a sharp increasing in phishing attacks. “We don’t want cyber criminals stealing our clients’ hard-earned cash,” said a spokesman. “That’s our job.” Meanwhile thousands of South Africans are willingly signing on to phishing scams just to get some customer service. “I know they’re con-men,” said one. “But at least they answer their phones.”
Not Being A Moron 101
The ANC has circulated a top-secret memorandum to senior leadership begging them to stop being “total retards” as a rash of deeply stupid scandals is damaging the government’s image. The memo is reportedly titled How To Not Do Stuff That Makes Us Look Like Everything The Broederbond Always Said We Were, and features chapters such as “Cold showers: their efficacy in preventing illegitimate children” and “Drug-Trafficking or Scrap-booking? Choices every State Security Minister’s wife needs to make”.
It’s aliiiiiive—
The Independent Democrats and the Democratic Alliance have confirmed that leaders Patricia de Lille and Helen Zille are to be spliced together into a single opposition Mega-Tannie named De Zille. The procedure will be carried out by alarming American geneticist Craig Venter, who last night explained the biology behind it to a fascinated but repulsed group of journalists. “Helen Zille’s skin was replaced in the late 1980s with a fire-resistant sheet of polyurethane,” explained Venter. “So Patricia de Lille’s more capacious epidermis will be used to swaddle this new creature. It’s gonna be hectic,” he added. “And a bit sif.”
Respec’, dawg
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has urged South Africans to forgive President Jacob Zuma for fathering a child out of wedlock, and has asked Zuma if his latest mistress has a sister. Speaking from the vomitorium of his Sicilian orgy theme-park, as his tan faded from purple to orange, Berlusconi congratulated Zuma on his latest child. ” “The great thing about having a daughter is that in 18 years, you can hit on her friends! Or even earlier if we can get the law changed.”