Fifa: Introducing technology is turning back time

Another Swiss miss
Fifa has once again refused to discuss goal-line technology, describing cameras and video replays as the work of the devil. “You say camera, we say soul-capturing device,” said spokesperson Wim Uddertugger. “We Swiss are a naturally cautious people,” he explained.
“I mean we only gave women the vote in 1971, and look how badly that turned out.” Asked why video replays could not be used on controversial goals, Uddertugger crossed himself, threw salt over his left shoulder and brandished a clove of garlic at reporters. “And turn back time?” he hissed. “Get behind me, Satan!”

Loadsamoney
Colleen Rooney, wife of England footballer Wayne, said she managed to get a smile out of her gutted spouse by taping last Sunday’s Top Gear for him. “Top Gear always cheers Wazza up,” said Colleen. “It’s good to sit him down in front of the telly with a bowl of crisps and just let him enjoy the loud noises and crashes. Something about Jeremy Clarkson’s voice seems to soothe him. I don’t think he understands all of it, but I often hear him laughing and clapping during the show. I guess any mental stimulation is good.”

Let them eat tickets
Bloemfontein mayor Playfair Morule—apparently christened by a roving satirist—says his decision to spend R15-million of taxpayers money on World Cup tickets for poor communities has been vindicated. “Normally you need to buy votes by giving the peasantry bread and games,” he explained. “But when we showed them those shiny holograms on the tickets and shouted ‘Ayoba!’ and ‘Ke nako!’ a few times, they forgot all about the bread. How awesome is it to be a politician in South Africa in 2010? God, I love this country!”

The road to nowhere
A global study has named Johannesburg as the third worst city in the world for commuters, triggering wild celebrations in the city’s municipal offices. According to Gauteng’s minister of transport, Gridlock Tshabalala, Mexico City and Beijing were rated worse than Johannesburg, which was a “major feather in Jozi’s cap”. “Those are two awesome cities,” said Tshabalala. “To come in ahead of them, well, I just want to say thank you to our city planners who kept us public transport-free, our car-obsessed citizens, our aversion to rail freight. Really, this belongs to all of you.”

Tough nut to crack
Fifa chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that his balls are misshapen, which makes scoring extremely difficult. “It’s embarrassing, especially when your misshapen balls are being viewed by a global audience,” said Blatter. “Ever since I was a little boy, when I got first one ball, then a few months later another ball, I worried that this would happen during a World Cup.” He added that Fifa had handled the balls of dozens of manufacturers before the tournament, and all had felt absolutely normal.

Get busy dyin’
Chris Hani’s killer, Clive Derby-Lewis, has suspended plans to tunnel out of prison using only a small rock-hammer. According to Derby-Lewis’s lawyer, Jingo Bumm-Chumm, he had been inspired by the story of Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, but two major obstacles had immediately arisen. “First up he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s a miner,” explained Bumm-Chumm. “And secondly he would have to make friends with a wise old black man. Frankly he’d rather die in prison.”

Hasta La Vista, Hayibo
The Mail & Guardian has decided to retire Hayibo.com’s weekly column in the newspaper, saying that the column was a “terrible waste of money”. According to deputy editor Melancholia Comma-Splice, if the newspaper wanted “hilarious fictions concocted by quasi-politicians with ludicrous names, telling lies about improbable events”, it could simply send a reporter to any ANC Youth League or COPE press conference. “Why pay for it when Malema, Shivambu, Lekota, and Co produce it for free?” she asked.

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