THE FIFTH COLUMN
I’ve been feeling a bit fatigued lately. Hence I was thrilled to be emailed a colourful pamphlet by an organisation called Life Retreat, offering all sorts of services – for those, so I thought, who were seeking to retreat from life. Unfortunately the document was not quite what I expected.
“If you’ve had a whole five days of early mornings and work, a Friday afternoon can bring feelings of elation,” it said.
Yes, I thought – how true that is! I am frequently elated to be able to slip away from the workplace on a Friday, even before afternoon has officially arrived. But I thought that was just a South African tradition – who works on a Friday afternoon? Only those in the service industries, and only dispensers of alcohol, are considered essential services.
“And the stress doesn’t have to ruin your weekend anyway,” Life Retreat went on. Oh? How nice. It wasn’t the stress that ruined my weekend. It was the action I took to de-stress – the exercise, the social interaction, the consumption of intoxicants, the staring into space while prone on a couch. I really need to go to Life Retreat, I thought.
But it seems it’s not a place. It’s a “platform”. And, in case you accuse me of making this up, its address is liferetreat.co.za.
“This overview of what happened here at Life Retreat should help you unwind …” (the ellipsis is in original), said the email, but apparently it was just reading about different things you can do or be sent or buy to make yourself feel better that will help you unwind.
“Changing lives through changing skin,” I read, and immediately felt hopeful again. How often has one thought: “If only there were a technology to make everyone’s skin colour the same, so many animosities would simply disappear”?
But no, it’s about chemical peels. Not even organic chemical peels. And no, I don’t want to read about your visit to the ChemPeel place here (“here” underlined). No way I’m clicking on that – there may be pictures.
The mere thought of a chemical peel makes me want to retreat from life entirely. In fact, I’ll check in at any monastery of any religious denomination as long as it doesn’t give me a chemical peel.
But there is more. “Stress is everywhere,” we are reminded. “Some people talk about it like it’s something you feel. Others relate to it as an emotion such as anxiety or frustration. From a feeling of explosion to worrying about an unexpected bill, it all comes down to stress. But did you know that all these feelings can affect your mental health? Yes they can. And today I want to tell you how mandalas can help you overcome them.”
Mandalas! Of course! You can be sent a weekly mandala to colour in. Not a bad idea, I thought, though the mandala pictured did seem a little simplistic. And only one mandala a week? I can finish one of those in about five minutes.