(Reuters)
THE FIFTH COLUMN
Cape Town has hit level 4 water restrictions, which is the same as putting a city on a “critical” terror alert, only far worse.
The water shortage is so bad it has knocked the Guptas off the top spot of dinner topics. We drink wine only now. My car is covered in dirt. I haven’t flushed a toilet in three weeks.
Ever since the city announced a plan to implement what essentially amounts to municipal martial law, I’ve noticed an urgency among Capetonians bordering on genuine concern. Springs in the fairest Cape are swarming with people filling up water bottles in what could pass as a community event but, really, is just the start of a metro-wide panic.
Public messaging has gone up a level too. The limp-dick “Save Water” campaign has been replaced by “Turn Off Taps NOW!” advertised in flashing orange on electronic billboards that were previously used to communicate traffic delays, which in my opinion, only adds to the panic because how the hell are you going to turn back to close a dripping tap when stuck in traffic?
Other than the billboards, city officials have been eerily quiet. The best I can hope for is that they have realised the time for talk is over and are actively doing something about the crisis — such as dredging the dams to get to the last 10% of the water left.
Going by the tummy bug that’s making the rounds, I think they are implementing that plan.
I’d go so far as to say they’ve struck contaminated gold. I can smell an open tap a mile away, which makes me wonder whether this whole thing could have been prevented had the tap water stank of chemicals a year ago the way it does now.
Now, I’ve heard talk of a vast lake below the City Bowl waiting to be tapped if it wasn’t for the ancient infrastructure; of the weather forecast on Windguru showing a deep-blue chance of precipitation.
But I don’t pay much attention to mirage talk like that.
Capetonians seem to be hallucinating a lot more than usual of late, clinging on to the desperate hope that it might rain soon, and rain A LOT, and everything will be okay — all the while the experts are talking about El Niño — El fucking Niño — and how it’s not going away and how it will take three full years of consistent rain before we can go back to showering every day.
Yes, things are bad and I expect them to get worse.
After level 4 we will naturally go to level 5, a place where I’m sure no city has ever gone before. I expect level 5 to have a shoot-to-kill policy if someone is spotted with a hose.
I expect to see people boil sea water and catch drops of condensation.
After level 5, the mainland will probably cut off support and we’ll be left high and dry on a peninsula surrounded by water. And then? Who knows?