If JZ used WhatsApp voice notes...




I have recorded two WhatsApp voice messages in my life, both of which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that listening to my own voice brings up thoughts of suicide. The messages also prove that I didn’t have much to say after five seconds and didn’t go to any great lengths to find a quiet spot to record. Should the messages be played in a court of law, I would be found guilty of mispronouncing “croissants” and wriggling out of a breakfast date to go to the beach.

I have gone back to typing my WhatsApps because, based on historic events like Watergate and modern-day happenings such as the 2016 United States presidential election, voice recordings are always authentic and the written word is mostly fake.

“Lordy, let there be tapes,” James Comey said. “Lordy, let it not be Alec Baldwin,” no one said. “Emails that prove the Guptas run South Africa,” the Sunday Times proclaimed. “Show me the proof,” Zuma replied.

It’s a baffling situation, with phrases like “smoking gun” being thrown around. But it’s still just smoke and mirrors with no clear voice, no recording, to prove that Zuma is in cahoots with the Indian brothers and Trump is colluding with the Russians.

But Trump loves his own voice and someone must have shown Zuma how to use WhatsApp by now, so surely there’s a treasure trove of evidence on their phones, just waiting for someone to tap the triangle.

“Jared, can’t type right now too busy grabbing pussies there’s so much pussy around it’s unbelievable — the FBI is on to you pal, big time — I’m working Comey, shaking his hand pulling him in you know the move keep your friends close make your enemies smell your armpits — I’ve asked him to, you know, drop the investigation the whole damn thing — it’s totally illegal don’t know if you know that — called obstruction of something or other — make your own luck I always say — but the guy’s shifty — nutcase, a real nutcase — Vlad! — Vladimir’s here I can see him — best thing about the Oval Office: no place to hide — great guy, great guy — we’re colluding, I don’t know what that means but it sounds great, simply terrific — lay low for a while kid. Proshchay.”

“Ajay, hi. It is me JZ. Thank you, my friend. I have received the seven hundred [static noise] seven hundred — listen properly — and sixty-nine thousand, ehhh [static noise] point two million and five hundred you have deposited into my account. I have also read your emails in today’s paper and, ehhh, yes, it is bad but I am not worried, Ajay, because you were clever and did not sign any of them. That means they are fake news. Now for some good news, heh heh heh, Malusi has said he is ready to be captured! Yes, he would like to join Lynne and Faith in captivity. I don’t know where you are holding them, but I am sure it is safe. My data is running out but let me thank you, comrade, for the good fortune you have given my family — the house in Dubai, the first-class tickets, the business, the parties, the millions and millions of [static noise] …”

* None of the above has been verified, but it will be if you read it out loud in a voice resembling the source. 

JS Smit

JS Smit

JS Smit is a Cape Town-based freelance writer. Formally trained as a copywriter, he took a break from ads in 2010 to write a blog for the Mail & Guardian's Thought Leader and since 2015 has written for the Mail & Guardian. Read more from JS Smit

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