’Tis time for Steinhoff cutbacks

THE FIFTH COLUMN

Hi all,

Just a heads-up that this year’s Secret Santa cap has been dropped to R500 000 post-tax, down 50% from last year’s record high of R1-million.

The focus on this year’s event will pivot away from material values to the much more meaningful principle of giving for giving’s sake — for isn’t that what Christmas is really about?

We’d also like to extend a sincere apology for the awkwardness of last year’s event that saw gifts exchanged between our chief executive and chairman only.

A thorough, and fiercely independent, audit revealed that buying the world’s foremost racehorse, wrapping the animal in gold paper and delivering it via drone down a chimney was indeed out of reach for most Steinhoff employees.

That being said, it’s a bull market and nothing says you care like a controlling share in a top performer such as Walmart, so get out there and buy, buy, buy! Enjoy Spring Day and good luck with the shopping spree.

Happy Movember everybody,

A quick update on Secret Santa: R100 000 is the maximum you can spend this year. That’s an additional 50 percentage points lower than the grossly inflated amount we communicated previously.

We know this is highly irregular, but it seems we’re heading for a highly irregular Christmas that will have to be celebrated in the highly irregular shade of an irregularly small Christmas tree.


We’d also like to take this opportunity to inform you that your Christmas bonus will come to the irregular sum of zero.

But keep those chins up guys and don’t let it dampen your appreciation for your colleagues. Our very own Pep Stores is having a remarkable sale on socks and soaps with up to 80% markdowns so go out there and buy, buy, buy!

Hello everyone,

We’d like to squash the toxic rumour going around that the delay in the publication of our financial results points to fraud in the company and that this might have an effect on Secret Santa. Secret Santa will go ahead regardless of hearsay drivel.

To keep the event afloat our intrepid chief executive made the snap decision to buy himself a Christmas gift in the form of all the R5 Stores and Cash Crusaders in the country. There is no shame in shopping at these stores so go out there and buy, buy, buy!

Dear staff,

It is with great regret and sadness that we have to inform you that this year’s Secret Santa has been cancelled. The Steinhoff family will not be exchanging gifts in 2017.

Instead, we’d like to ask you to write a message of hope on stationery brought from home and slide it under a colleague’s door. For isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Giving each other the things that money can’t buy?

Season’s greetings everyone, and a happy New Year from all of us in top management.

These are unprecedented times, and the role of media to tell and record the story of South Africa as it develops is more important than ever. But it comes at a cost. Advertisers are cancelling campaigns, and our live events have come to an abrupt halt. Our income has been slashed.

The Mail & Guardian is a proud news publisher with roots stretching back 35 years. We’ve survived thanks to the support of our readers, we will need you to help us get through this.

To help us ensure another 35 future years of fiercely independent journalism, please subscribe.

Advertising

Mapisa-Nqakula ‘regrets confusion’ after contradictory statements on Khosa case

The minister’s media statement follows a letter from Khosa’s attorneys that they were considering a perjury charge or a complaint with the Public Protector

Capture claims plague new private-security bargaining council

Unhappy members of the National Bargaining Council for the Private Security Sector say corporate governance standards are being flouted

The backlogs, denials and future of testing Covid-19

The National Health Laboratory Services finally admitted to a bottleneck last week, after denying there were any issues since April. According to the service, the backlog of 80 000 tests started in the first week of May
Advertising

press releases

Loading latest Press Releases…

The best local and international journalism

handpicked and in your inbox every weekday