Gather ye rosebuds while ye may

Now your lonely is somebody else’s. Made by somebody else and handed to you. Ain’t that something? A secondhand lonely.” — Toni Morrison, Sula

In her “gender letter” on July 13, Jessica Bennett, the gender editor of The New York Times, asked a very important question about the types of celebrations women have.

An ode to old maids everywhere” brought forth a wellspring of emotion I’m pretty sure a lot of women have experienced to some degree. Bennett, a 36-year-old woman who is not married and does not have children*, celebrated the publishing of her book, turning it into a “feminist wedding” of sorts. As I continued reading, a familiar and bitter taste filled my mouth because I could relate to her.

The article and the commentary contained in it boil down to one fundamental understanding: there is no gifting guide or celebration that is of as much importance as my wedding registry. At the end of the day, there are those who would be more elated by my marriage and childbearing abilities than they would be by any professional goals I can attain.

Why is there an apparent, yet unspoken, hierarchy of celebrations we are socialised to appreciate above others? Why do we have to convince ourselves and others around us of our contentedness when there is no man or child in our lives? So what if you have a PhD in robotics, have published your first book or have gone on your first overseas solo holiday: Do you have an engagement ring on your finger?

As more of my peers take the leap into parenthood and marriage, my voice is breaking, trying to explain that I’m fine — but not too much, lest it appear the lady doth protest too much.

Many women — whether 30 is on a distant horizon or is bearing down on them — find out, quite reluctantly, that the world is structured for coupled people. Each of us reaches that crossroads where you are finding your footing professionally but on the heels of that is a cloying, uninvited feeling of lack. To borrow from Toni Morrison’s Sula, it is a secondhand lack, a missing limb on a body that appears whole. There is a pressure to find my “other half” because there’s no way I can be happy and lead a full life without these accoutrements of being a “real” woman or the semblance of a happy one.

With this is a haste to match, hatch and dispatch before it’s too late because there are only so many bridesmaid’s dresses one can wear before the invitations stop altogether. But at what cost?

My beauty will fade, my hips will soften and men will avoid me, or so we’re directly or indirectly told.

What I have achieved professionally is not a permission slip to “finally” have a husband, children and the outward appearance of a fulfilling life. This is the life I have chosen for myself, warts and all. The things I have worked hard for are not an aside in my quest to get a man. They are a necessary and celebration-worthy part of who I am because there is more to my life than taking a name or recognising my own nose in another’s face.

There is more to a woman’s identity than whether or not she’s partnered or has a child. Surely there are other milestones women can celebrate that are not a bridal shower, hen or push party? There’s nothing wrong with these events but why are they the only ones of great importance?

Imagine if, like Bennett, women created their own “feminist wedding” — celebrating milestones like buying your first car, realising an entrepreneurial dream, renting your first apartment or buying your first home. These are milestones worthy of celebration and yet, when some women attain them, somewhere in the congratulations is a question about when they’re going to finally “settle down”.

What is more important at any time in a woman’s life is knowledge of self, not a half-baked idea of what womanhood is in relation to sleeping next to a warm body or a baby on her hip. A want instead of a need for companionship is a far healthier pursuit: I want to live, not show how much of a “good” life I have, even if it appears lonely to the outside world. That, at least, would be a “loneliness” of my own and of my own making, not the one dictated by other people.

Our traditional markers of adulthood are woefully lacking — like the woman who gingerly asks if there’ll be single men at your event. Don’t get it twisted: love is a beautiful thing — but not when it’s foisted on me to prove my worth.

*not “unmarried” or “childless”

Subscribe to the M&G

These are unprecedented times, and the role of media to tell and record the story of South Africa as it develops is more important than ever.

The Mail & Guardian is a proud news publisher with roots stretching back 35 years, and we’ve survived right from day one thanks to the support of readers who value fiercely independent journalism that is beholden to no-one. To help us continue for another 35 future years with the same proud values, please consider taking out a subscription.

Zamantungwa Khumalo
Zamantungwa Khumalo

Zamantungwa’s passion in media, women empowerment and African development, is evident in the work she’s been involved in throughout the years. In September 2015, she was promoted to be the station Executive Producer at a talk radio station, POWER FM, where she leads a group of producers and oversees all the content on the station 24hour station. Zamantungwa has over five years’ experience in radio, having started her career on campus radio station, where she anchored and produced her own current affairs talk radio show on Voice of Wits FM. 

She the M&G's special projects and supplements editor.

Kiri Rupiah
Kiri Rupiah is the online editor at the Mail & Guardian.

Related stories

Why anti-corruption campaigns are bad for democracy

Such campaigns can draw attention to the widespread presence of the very behaviour they are trying to stamp out — and subconsciously encourage people to view it as appropriate

Why we must fight to secure places for more women and young people in politics

Too often, governments talk the talk on gender equality, but fail to walk the walk

We don’t need new names

COMMENT A deeply embedded patriarchal practice assumes that a married woman...

The pencil test still colours the rainbow nation illusion

This latest racist hair fiasco is just one more thing that all the darkies in me are tired of defending and explaining

Women take centre stage in the Market Theatre’s Shakespeare season

The Market Theatre’s virtual offering, ‘Chilling with the Bard: A Shakespeare Season’, includes women performing traditionally male roles

Black bosses, please lead us well

We need to do better to create compatible workplaces for black employees

Subscribers only

The shame of 40 000 missing education certificates

Graduates are being left in the lurch by a higher education department that is simply unable to deliver the crucial certificates proving their qualifications - in some cases dating back to 1992

The living nightmare of environmental activists who protest mine expansion

Last week Fikile Ntshangase was gunned down as activists fight mining company Tendele’s expansions. Community members tell the M&G about the ‘kill lists’ and the dread they live with every day

More top stories

Joe Biden’s debate guests run the only Zimbabwean restaurant in...

A Zimbabwean restaurant feeding people in need formed an unlikely addition to Joe Biden’s election campaign

Khaya Sithole: Tsakani Maluleke’s example – and challenge

Shattering the glass ceiling is not enough, the new auditor general must make ‘live’ audits the norm here in SA

State’s wage freeze sparks apoplexy

Public sector unions have cried foul over the government’s plan to freeze wages for three years and have vowed to fight back.

‘Veteran’s stripes’ vs ‘kind and fair’

This weekend the Democratic Alliance will choose between two starkly different visions for its future

press releases

Loading latest Press Releases…

The best local and international journalism

handpicked and in your inbox every weekday