Mama was born into a South Africa stratified according to race, class and gender. As a woman, the odds were already stacked against her, because women were generally considered to be inferior to men, in all respects.
Yet, despite this, she defied all the odds and became a leader, a mentor, a pillar of her family, and her community. Her children and family have, without exception, wondered what path she may have been able to follow had she not been born in the South Africa she encountered pre-1994.
Yet, this was not the question she would ask, nor indeed dwell on. She was stoic and pragmatic in her approach to life. Rather than dwell on the what-ifs, she focused on what was and chose her path and actions from this point.
I have said elsewhere in this book that we may not find the name of Winnie Serobe in any of the country’s annals of history. But you will find her name on the lips of her children, for whom she sacrificed everything to ensure they were taken care of, nurtured and educated.
You will find her name on the hearts of the young women she encouraged to make different choices that changed the trajectory of their lives forever. You will find her memory in the community of Diepkloof and others, where she worked so tirelessly to make a difference to the lives of ordinary, vulnerable, and sometimes “unseen” people.
When I remember Mama, I remember her as a mother, a healthcare worker, an educator and a community activist.
Mama became a mother at the age of 22. In her lifetime, she would be the biological mother to City, Mingy, Gaur, Lazzy and Mpho, who unfortunately, passed away very early in life.
Mama’s friend of at least 40 years, Mam Mpini Ndobe, who also worked with her in the Ikageng Trust in Diepkloof, tells a powerful story of how Mama felt about her children.
She remembers Mama describing her five children like the fingers of a hand. She would clench her fist when speaking about them saying they had to be strong like a clenched fist — together they could be powerful, although each had to stand on their own. That is how she saw family and this is how she raised them.
Morakane Ngubeni, the daughter of one of Mama’s friends, recalls how she also assisted in taking care of her brother’s children when his wife passed away suddenly following a train accident. She would also be a mother to countless others through her community activism.
All her children remember her being very open-minded and approachable. They recall being able to talk to her about almost anything. My husband Gaur speaks specifically of being able to talk to Mama about topics such as gender diversity, marriage and others that remain contentious even today.
Gaur also recalls his time with his mother — which often happened in the early hours of the morning. When he realised that Mama would get up around 02h00 to prepare the water for his father to take a bath and to prepare the meal for the family, he too started getting up early to be with her. It became their time together, just the two of them.
Mingy remembers being her mother’s confidante — something she attributes to being the only girl in the house, and also the Deputy Mother when Mama was at work.
However, her children also speak about her strictness, particularly when it applied to the values and principles she held dear. Gaur speaks about how, even as a young man, he was not allowed to sleep out until he was married.
At the same time, he reminded me of a time before we were formally married, when the lobola negotiations were already underway. I had come from Pretoria, where I was working, to visit him in Diepkloof and when I was about to return to Pretoria, Mama suggested he ask me to stay over. He says he was so surprised, because no girlfriend was ever allowed to spend the night before marriage.
Her children recall her approach to the household chores and their responsibilities. Despite the prevalent patriarchy of the time, Mama expected all her children to do what needed to be done in the home. For instance, Gaur says he is able to cook because his mother had taught him.
At the same time, Uncle Zulu, Mama’s brother-in-law on my father-in-law’s side, speaks about how he was also expected to do chores when Mama married Andrew in 1955 and when he went to live with his brother and Mama, and even helped out with his niece and nephews.
Mingy takes a forlorn tone when she says she always thought her mother was stricter with her than her other siblings, only to later realise that this came from a place of deep love since Mama did not want her to make choices that could impact negatively on her life going forward.
This is something Mama also did for other girl children, irrespective of whether they were family or not. Morakane recalls Mama advising her on how to relate to boys when she reached puberty. She was consistent in how she treated young girls; it was not just about Mingy’s future and choices. She saw all young girls as her daughters.
Mama was very progressive, says Mingy. When mental or emotional health was not something generally considered important, Mama took Mingy for counselling to give her some additional support and resources to deal with issues that were troubling her.
Mama was also clear that all her daughters-in-law must live separately once they got married. She wanted the Serobe makotis to begin to stamp their own way of doing things in their homes and did not want to constrain them in any way.
According to Lazzy, Mama was irrepressible. He attributes this quality to her being able to overcome the many challenges in life. Her spirit was never extinguished and her generosity never waned.
Despite being very busy, Mama also made time for her children and they never recall feeling neglected. Mama was what Gaur has described as reliable, which meant she was consistent and truthful at all times, with all people, and in all situations — she could be counted on and she would keep her word.
Mama was also a very good wife. The children remember her approach towards her marriage and my father-in-law. As I have spoken about earlier on, when I met my new family, they did not always have fond recollections of my father-in-law. My brother-in-law Lazzy refers to him as a difficult person. Incidentally, Uncle Zulu held the same view.
Yet the children also recall how Mama treated him. Lazzy says she never responded to him aggressively, or provoked a confrontation. Rather, she found the path of least resistance to get to the desired outcome. Gaur speaks about how she respected his father.
Uncle Zulu also recollects the irrepressible Winnie, saying she had a lot of energy and was able to transfer the energy she had at home to her work in the community. She was always busy, the phone was always busy. Mam Mpini refers to Mama as a busy bee.
Mama was also very particular about family events and she kept a meticulous record of all family contributions to weddings, celebrations and funerals. Uncle Zulu still has one of her diaries. She would also follow up on contributions to ensure there were sufficient funds to do what was needed to be done as a family.
She was unfailingly fair.
An Ode to My Mother-In-Law, Winnie Serobe: A Mentorship of Love and Honour is available at bookstores nationwide and Exclusive Books, Takealot, Loot and Our Book Direct. It is published by TMP Publishers.