United Kingdom

London’s smallest apartment, a converted storage closet measuring just five square metres, has found a tenant for £585 pounds (about R7 000) per month. Gordon Blausten of the Bruten and Company real-estate agency said the "tiny but trendy" apartment packs in kitchenette, shower and wardrobe under a loft bed.

It is a sight to make the average toddler weep with horror: a billboard not only stating categorically that Santa Claus does not exist, but also condemning him as a tool of consumerism. But following an initial ban, the poster — the work of a Scottish art student — was unveiled in Glasgow on Friday.

Britain is suffering a sense-of-humour failure, with laughter levels three times lower now than 50 years ago and nearly half of all adults unable to enjoy at least one big guffaw a day, research showed on Tuesday. Money worries, relationship woes and political concerns were among the reasons given for the collection of grim faces.

<i>Crazy Frog</i>, a super-annoying cellphone ringtone that everybody loves to hate, looks set to hit number one in the British singles chart this weekend. German dance duo Bass Bumber’s take on <i>Crazy Frog</i> has been outselling Coldplay’s new single by four to one in music retailer HMV’s outlets.

Sensitive diplomatic talks over Iran’s nuclear programme appear doomed to failure, a leading think-tank said on Tuesday on the eve of crucial negotiations between European foreign ministers and Iranian officials in Geneva. Britain, France and Germany hope to persuade Tehran to scrap its uranium-enrichment programme.

Sol Campbell could miss out on the FA Cup final for the second time in three years as Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger weighs up leaving the England defender out of his starting line-up against Manchester United. Campbell, who missed the 2003 final due to suspension, has just returned to the side after a three-month injury absence.

Commuters who suffer through the swelter of summer in the London Underground have been full of ideas about how to cool the trains, but none has managed to present a workable plan, the transport company said on Thursday. The London Underground had offered a &pound;100&nbsp;000 (R1,1-million) prize for the best plan.

It was a surprising image: a spear-toting primitive man pushing something very like a shopping cart. Perhaps less surprisingly, this bit of "cave art" had been placed in the British Museum by a prankster. The spoof was claimed by Banksy, the self-styled "art terrorist" who has previously placed fakes in galleries.

England fullback Ashley Cole put his personal problems aside on Tuesday to insist his Arsenal side can win Saturday’s FA Cup final against Manchester United despite the absence of star striker Thierry Henry. The France international was ruled out on Monday after he suffered a recurrence of an old injury during the 7-0 thrashing of Everton.

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has warned FA Cup final opponents Arsenal that his side will have no inferiority complex, despite being cast as the underdogs. ”One thing’s for sure, we are certainly not afraid of them,” the Scot told the official Manchester United magazine.

A British hospital has asked for help from the public in determining the identity of a distressed man who has been unable to utter a word since being found on a beach more than a month ago and who has turned out to be a piano virtuoso. The man was found soaking wet on the beach, dressed in a smart black suit and tie.

Goats, camels and village farmyards might not seem like traditional wedding presents, but all this could change under a novel gift-giving plan unveiled on Thursday by the British charity Oxfam. Couples getting married can ask guests for a charitable donation to be made to communities in 70 countries.

Angry fans of Manchester United were threatening massive protests on Friday after United States tycoon Malcolm Glazer neared success in his bid for the celebrated English football team, a takeover supporters say is unwanted and will saddle the club with massive debt.

American businessman Malcolm Glazer launched a formal £790,3-million (R9,1-billion) takeover bid for Manchester United on Thursday after raising his stake to nearly 57% in the world’s richest soccer club. There is strong opposition to a Glazer takeover from the fan-based group Shareholders United.

Dutch master Dennis Bergkamp staked his claim for one final contract as the Gunners demolished Everton 7-0 at Highbury in London on Wednesday. His sublime hand in scoring one and creating three Gunners goals may be enough to convince boss Arsene Wenger he deserves an extended spell.

British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) journalists and technical workers have voted to strike in protest at thousands of job cuts, union officials said on Wednesday. The BBC now faces the threat of a walkout at TV and radio stations across the country later this month and the possible disruption of some programmes.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair faced a closed-door meeting with his restive Labour Party on Wednesday during his first real confrontation with lawmakers who have called for him to resign after Labour’s majority was slashed in last week’s election.

For more than a century, teams of donkeys have carried tourists down the beach at Blackpool, one of Britain’s top tourist destinations. But only now are they to get a compulsory lunch break. A wide-ranging "employment rights" charter for donkeys was announced on Wednesday.

In an unusual first for the art world, a London auction house announced on Wednesday it will sell a series of abstract paintings by a chimpanzee, Congo, once feted as the "Cezanne of the ape world". Congo became famous in the late 1950s when his swirling works were exhibited in London.

The United Kingdom’s defence ministry on Monday defended a decision to pay for an ex-servicewoman to train to be an erotic "pole dancer", arguing it has a duty to help former troops return to civilian life. Stephanie Hulme received &pound;2&nbsp;290 (about R26&nbsp;600) to train as a pole dancer, newspaper reports said.

The most expensive soup in Britain is the star dish on the menu of an upmarket Chinese restaurant in London — at a mere &pound;108 (R1&nbsp;150) a bowl. Called "Buddha Jumps over the Wall", the shark’s-fin soup is made with whole abalone, Japanese flower mushroom, sea cucumber, dried scallops, chicken, ham, pork and ginseng.

Formula one’s five leading manufacturers appear to be headed for a showdown with motor racing’s world governing body after announcing plans on Monday to form their own organisation and throw out the FIA’s international court of appeal. The five are unhappy that the current appeals panel is linked to the governing body.

An Angolan girl of eight was repeatedly tortured and almost killed after being accused by another child of being a witch, a British court was told on Monday, in a case prosecutors described as ”incredible”. The girl was put in a laundry bag and was about to be thrown into a river when one of her tormentors managed to stop the others.

Love doesn’t come cheap in Britain, where the typical date costs &pound;200 (R2&nbsp;290), according to a survey of some of the nation’s 8,6-million "singletons". On average, the single British man or woman goes out on a date five times a year, with the Welsh the keenest date hunters.